Andromeda

Transcript of Proceedings
Before the Federation Blog Tribunal

THE COURT: Bring forth the accused.

ANDY: Hey, what is this all about?

THE COURT: Silence! Are you Andy?

ANDY: Yes.

THE COURT: Silence! And are you responsible for a blog called Andromeda?

ANDY: Well, "responsible," what does that really --

THE COURT: Silence! Andy, you stand before the Web Blog Tribunal--

ANDY: The what now?

THE COURT: The Web Blog Tribunal.

ANDY: Shouldn't that just be Blog Tribunal? I mean, web log is --

THE COURT: Silence! You stand before the Blog Tri--

ANDY: Or it could the B-web B-log B-tribunal-ba.

THE COURT: Andy, you stand ... here ... accused of Calumny in a Blog, which is an offense of the third order under the Federation's Blogging Code and Associated Codicils, punishable by one Elimidate, with either Wonkette or Drudge, depending on your sexual preference. How do you plead?

ANDY: Would an Elimidate with Wonkette mean I'm automatically registered as a sexual offender?

THE COURT: Yes.

ANDY: Then I plead not guilty.

THE COURT: Under the Blogging Code, you have to give a percentage.

ANDY: Oh, then 100% not guilty. Can I go higher --

THE COURT: Silence! Having refused to accept your guilt and showing no remorse, not even in the percentage of your plea, this Court finds you guilty--

ANDY: Don't I get a lawyer?

THE COURT: You have the right to say IANAL before everything you say.

ANDY: Can I present evidence?

THE COURT: Under the Blogging Code?

ANDY: Oh, yeh, sorry.

THE COURT: I find you guilty of calumny, attempt to calumny, conspiracy to calumny, obstruction of an investigation of calumny, and failure to report calumny, as to one Francis C. --

ANDY: H.

THE COURT: I thought you said you were 100% not guilty?

ANDY: Oh, yeah, I mean, Francis Who-Now?

THE COURT: ... Francis H. Black --

ANDY: Brown.

THE COURT: ... Francis H. Brown.

ANDY: Can I show mitigation?

THE COURT: Mitigation is not heard in calumny cases.

ANDY: Oh.

THE COURT: But whattaya got?

ANDY: Did you see those words in his articles? I mean, he had to be making those things up! "Kibish"? "Sapropels"? "Evolution"?

THE COURT: That's true. For that reason, I will reduce your sentence to a public flogging.

ANDY: F-public F-blogging-fa?

THE COURT: No. Take him away.

For Andromeda, this is perhaps the most magical day of the year. Well, aside from National Magic Day. But it is on Valentine's Day that we enjoy the magic-that-is-not-a-trick, which is Love. Well, except sometimes Love is a trick. No, no, no, not "turning tricks," that's not Love. But sometimes, maybe you're just a young Andromeda sitting around the house, maybe even watching TV, and thinking that Ellen DeGeneres is SO funny! We bet she would really like us, if she just answered our letters. How much more hair can we cut off, tie in a cute ribbon and place in an envelope, paying the extra postage five pounds of hair cost, and, yes, it does get stuck in the sticky part after we lick the envelope, that's not really our fault, now is it? And then we find out there's a reason she refuses to answer our letters, return our phone calls, lift the Temporary Restraining Order! Now, that's a trick!

But that's all behind us now -- we saw her -- our new love! -- last night on the Grammy's. We don't care if she's bald (we've had our own hair issues) -- did you hear her belt out Janis Joplin's "Another Little Piece of My Heart" just like she was singing straight to us!

Vowing not to "cede one inch" to critics of the proposed new staff retirement plan, Andromeda Blog has written angry letters to major news organizations which Andromeda Blog feels have reported "critical" comments by opponents of the new plan. "Stop reporting those facts!" wrote Andy, spokesperson for Andromeda Blog, noting that the effect of the reporting could be to undermine support for the plan. At a press conference, Andy explained Andromeda's views. "We feel that all this so-called criticism is not going to help us one bit in getting the plan approved. So, if it doesn't stop, well, the next steps are in the offing .... and I think everybody understands what 'next steps' mean." Pressured to explain what "next steps" means, Andy finally admitted he didn't know and walked out of the press conference, making barking sounds while covering his mouth with his hand, and then removing his hand, saying, "Cujo?"

"We were hoping it wouldn't come to this," said Andy, a spokesperson for Andromeda Blog. "Despite nine days of meetings over three months, we've been unable to reach an agreement with the union that in our view will allow the blog to operate efficiently and profitably."

"Admittedly, it wasn't nine FULL days of meetings," Andy acknowledged. "It was just that we did have meetings on nine different days. And on several of those days, the meetings were WITH the union!"

Asked why it was necessary to call the staff to the front of the office, pull the well-known Andromeda vests off each of the workers one by one, and burn them one at a time, wailing, "You MADE me do this! You MADE me do this!" Andy pointed out that Andromeda had been more than generous, agreeing to pay employees at the full minimum wage.

"Look, I KNOW these people, I've met their families, been in their homes, hugged their children, and there is simply no doubt in my mind that many of them would have agreed to kick back a portion of the minimum wage just to keep their jobs -- but we didn't ask them to do that, not in writing and not in front of any witnesses -- we're just not that kind of company!" explained Andy.

Although the union had asked Quebec labor officials to appoint a mediator, Andromeda felt the discussions were unlikely to be fruitful because "our approach to negotiation is not facilitated by the use of mediators." Speaking off the record, Andromeda officials admitted their approach to negotiating with unions consisted of holding their hands over their ears and shouting, "I can't HE-E-AR you! I can't HE-E-AR you!"

Today, the U.S. warned Iran to halt its nuclear program "or the next steps are in the offing .... And I think everybody understands what 'next steps' mean."

Here, at Andromeda, we do not know what "next steps" means, and, to be honest, we had to look up "offing." Apparently, "offing" means "killing" or "murdering," as in "Cain offed Abel" or "Goliath is planning on offing David."

As to "next steps," we remain confused. Let's review the steps the U.S. has taken so far.

1. Rattle saber.
   
2. Cut off all trade.
3. More saber-rattling.
   
4. Attack a country which doesn't have weapons of mass destruction and leave alone a country which does have weapons of mass destruction.
   
5. Ask why Iran thinks it needs weapons of mass destruction.
   
6. Refuse to participate in discussions with Iran and leave that up to Europe, compelling Europe to negotiate without the involvement of the country Iran perceives as its greatest threat because it keeps calling them part of the Axis of Evil and has invaded the country to the east and the country to the west.
7. Rattle saber.
   
8. Send saber in for 24-month check and ask them to look into the rattling.
9. Rattle loose change while waiting for saber.
10. Suggest that everyone knows what "next steps" means and then hint it rhymes with "Hair Hstrikes."
    

We realize now that it is obvious what "next steps" means! Ask the U.N. if it wants to remain relevant! ("You've got to ask yourself a question: do I feel relevant? Well, do ya, punk?")

Breaking News! We have found a way to escape the imminent collision between Andromeda and the Milky Way! We simply have to get our Sun to dive for the galactic center and use the "gravitational sling-shot" to escape the galaxy before Andromeda hits. Hooray!

True, the rocket power needed to get the Sun to suddenly dive toward the galactic center would be extraoardinarily costly. Just finding the right type of oven mitts to use when attaching those rockets to the Sun is estimated to cost well over a thousand dollars. And, true, passing through the galactic center would likely burn our entire planet into an ionized gas that would then be sucked into the black hole at the center of the galaxy and, as we went in, we would get all stretchy like that dude in "The Scream" who looks like that kid in "Home Alone" putting on after-shave. But just because it's incredibly expensive to do and, if done, unlikely to succeed, that's no reason not to try!

Eager to jump on the bandwagon, Andromeda has finally cornered one of the 20-something staffers here for an interview on the Social Security Crisis!

Andy: OK, um, just let me be sure, you are a twenty-something?

Staffer: Yes.

Andy: Cause I, well, I, you don't, uh ....

Staffer: What?

Andy: No piercings? No tattoos? What up wit dat?

Staffer: Well, first of all, I do have a tattoo, but I'm not going to show it to you. Second of all, I do have piercings, but I don't wear jewelry at the office. And third, what were you doing with your arms when you said, 'What up wit dat?'

Andy: Isn't that what you do? Like flashing gang signs or something?

Staffer: Um, that's not what I do.

Andy: Well, anyway, let's talk about the Social Security Crisis. It is well-known that people your age don't believe Social Security will be there for them and therefore you are happy to have the program ended --

Staffer: Why is that?

Andy: Why is what?

Staffer: Why would I be happy to have the program ended?

Andy: Well, you've given up any hope the program will be around when you're older and you prefer just to take care of things yourself.

Staffer: Well, I heard the program is currently running a surplus and will continue to be paying 100% of benefits through 2052 with no changes at all. I retire in 2045.

Andy: But what about how the Social Security money has been wasted through government mismanagement?

Staffer: When did that happen?

Andy: Oh, I don't know, I thought I heard it somewhere. Anyway, wouldn't you like your own account that you could invest in and save for your own retirement?

Staffer: Sure. I used to have that at my old job. And Social Security, too. I put as much money in my private account as I could and I put it in safe, solid Funds with the big investment companies. And guess what? I lost money! The Social Security trust fund got a better return than I did in my private account.

Andy: Well, you won't have to worry about that under the Bush plan. There are going to be severe restrictions on permitted investments for the private accounts, so we can be sure they're safe.

Staffer: Well, if there are going to be all these restrictions, what's the big advantage of private accounts? What's the difference between the government telling me how to invest, and the government just investing for me? At least I get a guaranteed benefit if the government invests it.

Andy: Look, you do realize we are facing a $10 trillion shortfall, don't you? Private accounts will make that magically go away.

Staffer: Yeh, right, it goes up every time they talk about it. But from what I heard, their plan is to make it go away in just two ways: (1) cutting the benefits; and (2) borrowing the money.

Andy: And private accounts. I hear they somehow do something, too. But what do you want? Tax increases?

Staffer: You pay me $31,000 a year. Do you really think I mind if the cap is increased from $90,000 to $200,000?

Andy: But someday, maybe you'll be rich. Then you'll wish you hadn't raised the $90,000 cap, I bet.

Staffer: I don't think so. First, I'll be rich. Second, the alternative is to borrow trillions of dollars, meaning people my age are going to spend our forties, fifties and sixties, working off a huge debt. I've heard that the increase in Federal debt actually acts just like a tax on future generations --

Andy: You hear a lot of things, don't you? What do they do -- play PSAs at your rave parties?

Staffer: No, it's all in the rap songs that you can't understand.

Andy: Well, as a nihilist, you surely --

Staffer: What makes you think I'm a nihilist?

Andy: But you said yourself you have a tattoo!

Staffer: Right!

Andy: Certainly, you'll agree that, at your age, you're far too selfish to think about your generation helping another generation.

Staffer: Didn't I just say my generation has to pay no matter what? And what makes you think I'm so selfish? It looks to me like this joining together where people help each other, where nobody is left starving, has worked pretty well for sixty years and it seems like the kind of thing a lot of people my age appreciate.

Andy: You're not a typical 20-something at all, you're some kind of hippy!

Staffer: Would a hippy slice your fat belly open, because I have tattoos and I am crazy! I will cut you, do you want me to cut you, cause I will!

Andy: OK! Thanks for sitting down with us --

Staffer: I want a raise.

Beware the Jabberwock, my son,
If you've nothing else to do.
But if you want to be really scared,
I've got the beast for you.

It has three heads upon a neck
That is something like a squirrel's.
One head's a duck, and one's a goose,
The last is a two-headed burro's.

It has four slithy hoofs
And possibly two paws.
Upon three manxsome legs
It stands, each hoof with twenty claws.

Its fangs with fangs on fangs
Line six god-frabjous beaks.
Two toothbrushes in each hand,
But flossing takes two weeks.

So if you lie awake each night,
Fearing heartbreak of psoriasis,
You'd wet your pants — your neighbor's, too —
To meet: the Social Security Criasis.

But mighty George, he stood one day
Upon his tulgey steed,
The horse he moved, George nearly fell —
So he finally took his seat.

From there he gazed o'er his domain,
All he saw, he admired.
But that wasn't much, with his helmet backward,
Because his eyes were tired.

He sauntered out into the night
His horsie sauntered, too,
He sauntered out his sword and then
Sauntered a flower in two.

But as the tulip paid the price
For floral insolence
Brave George heard a gurgling cry!
From his incontinence —

For there it was! The fulsome critter!
That made his bowels stir
With fulsome courage, and his bladder
Boldly wet his horsie's fur.

It roared a roaring roar so loud
The Social Security Crisis
Might have lost its hearing, too,
But its ears were where its eyes is.

Its eyes were big, its ears were large,
Its deficit was huge!
George raised his private accounts up high
And slew and slew and slew.

It doesn't matter how much it cost
But it was twenty trillion.
It doesn't matter cause it's all debt,
We can leave it to our children.

The Crisis is dead, hooray for George!
He brought us all serenity:
Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley,
Merrill Lynch, and Fidelity.

Let Fafblog! rule in the arena of interviews of real people. And inanimate objects. And people grouped based on their profession and role in society. And deities.

Continuing to dominate in the arena of interviews of abstract concepts, Andromeda brings you: the Social Security Crisis.

Andy: So ... how's it going?

Social Security Crisis: Meh.

Andy: What?

Social Security Crisis: Meh.

Andy: Meh? What do you mean by that?

Social Security Crisis: By "meh," I mean "meh."

Andy: Whatever. I was just being polite anyway. What I'm getting at is this. Lots of people say you exist. Other people say you don't exist. Some people say you exist and you're big and scary and coming straight for us look-out-look-out-look-out. Some people say, "Eh, not so much."

Social Security Crisis: Well, let me tell you right now, I exist.

Andy: OK.

Social Security Crisis: And I am big. Really big. Huge, in fact. And plus, besides, I'm also coming straight for you, like you said there with the look-out and all. I could be there in 2042. Or -- yikes! -- I'm there in 2018! How you like that? I bet you don't like that.

Andy: What if you're just something conjured up in my imagination by Presidential fear-mongering?

Social Security Crisis: Huh?

Andy: Well, isn't that just what you would say if you were just made-up? Wouldn't the made-up you just go on and say, "I exist, I exist, wah-wah-wah"? I mean, how you going to scare me if you say, "What, me? I don't exist, nah, not at all do I exist, nuh-uh, no way."

Social Security Crisis: I think therefore I think I couldn't say I don't exist if I didn't exist and I don't think I could say I exist if I didn't exist.

Andy: Well, that doesn't make any sense --

Social Security Crisis: Boo!

Andy: What did you do that for?

Social Security Crisis: Were you scared?

Andy: No. I was annoyed.

Social Security Crisis: Yeah, right! The Social Security Crisis just an annoyance. That's just what those stupid Democrats say. They're always playing politics with Social Security -- using it to further their ideological agenda.

Andy: But isn't that what the Bush Administration is doing with you? Using you to enrich campaign contributors in the big stock brokerages, while edging toward the dismantling of Social Security, a longtime goal of conservatives?

Social Security Crisis: Um, well, I -- BOO!

Andy: So what's your answer?

Social Security Crisis: I think we should be grateful to the gigantic stock brokerages, for their willingness to step up to the trough, I mean the plate, I mean do their civic duty, in exchange for fat, shiny profits.

Andy: Well, then they at least guarantee everyone successful investing, right?

Social Security Crisis: Yes, they do. They guarantee that everyone will do better than the market. But it's not a "guarantee" guarantee. It's more like a "cross-my-heart promise" guarantee. Really, it's better than any plain old ordinary regular guarantee, because it's like that oasis you can always see ahead of you as you trudge across the desert. It will always be there. Til you die.

Andy: I hear your deficit is only $3.7 trillion, rather than the $10 trillion the Bush Administration is talking about.

Social Security Crisis: Now, that is crazy talk. In fact, I can tell you, it's much bigger than $10 trillion. They got to $10 trillion by only extrapolating to infinity. If you want to be really sure of what the deficit could possibly be, you gotta calculate based on infinity-squared.

Andy: Does that really change anything?

Social Security Crisis: Why wouldn't it?

Andy: Well, it's already out to infinity.

Social Security Crisis: Yeah, but, this is infinity squared. Get it? Squared.

Andy: Uh-huh. Isn't it true you'd go away if we just raised the income cap from $90,000 to $200,000, or made a few other minor adjustments?

Social Security Crisis: Oh, don't be so sure. You're gonna need to at least privatize, I mean, personalize, Social Security to make me go away.

Andy: Well --

Social Security Crisis: Personalize it -- squared.

Andy: Isn't the ultimate effect of "personal accounts" that a portion of Social Security is eliminated?

Social Security Crisis: It's the only way.

Andy: What do you mean?

Social Security Crisis: Once we get back to everyone having to save for their own retirement with no government protection or guarantees, no sharing of risk across society or across generations, once we again have everyone on their own, with the rich and well-born very well protected, and the people of bad luck or bad judgment or bad social position starving and dying in the streets, then the crisis will finally be averted, all will be well, and I will go away.

Andy: Well, thank --

Social Security Crisis: Until then, it's gonna be very, very SCA-A-ARY!

As most Andromeda readers know, Iraqi politics are simple and clear. First, there are the individuals running for office. Then, there are the parties running in their own name. And finally there are the coalitions, combining many organizations for the sake of winning at the polls and then fighting later about who actually governs.

The largest coalition is the UIA -- the United Iraqi Alliance. As the name indicates, the UIA is both "united" and an "alliance." Therefore, it is extemely likely to break up into feuding factions, assuming it wins by a sufficient margin. Perhaps you can guess something about this coalition by reviewing some of the names of the parties in it: Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq, Islamic Dawa Party, Islamic Action Organization, Islamic Fayli Grouping, Fayli Kurd Islamic Union, etc. Ayatollah al-Sistani has "blessed" this group.

Next, you have the Iraqis Party. As the name indicates, it is composed of Iraqis formed into what they call a "party." The Iraqis Party is led by interim President Ghazi al-Yawer, a Sunni, but includes both Sunnis and Shiites. Hence, the term "party." But this organization is not to be confused with the Iraqi Par-tay, led by Puff Daddy al-Sunni.

There is also "The Iraqi List," led by interim Prime Minister Allawi. It is mostly Shiite, but more secular than the UIA. While the name sounds quite chic, it is pretty safe to assume that the guy who ostensibly ordered the attack on Fallujah will do about as well in an Iraqi election as the guy who actually ordered the attack.

The Sunnis and secularists ensured their vote was further split and confused by forming the Assembly of Independent Democrats (Adnan Pachachi), the National Democratic Party, and the Peoples Union (aka, the Commies).

Then, there are the Kurd parties, the PUK and the KDP. They united to form an alliance which, for unknown reasons, they have chosen to call Kurdish Alliance. Apparently, they were not "united."

Finally, there are the LaRouchies. At this time, no one knows who they are, what they stand for, or how they got on the ballot.

Juan Cole predicts the Shiites unite with the Kurds to get to two-thirds of the National Assembly and form a government. They then would be free to draft a constitution which suits them. Assuming Sunnis don't turn out to vote on the constitution, it is possible a constitution calling for ethnic cleansing of non-Kurdish Sunnis would be passed. Then, why not an independent Kurdistan, leaving the rest of Iraq an Islamic Republic closely allied with Iran? As usual, the only hope is the general incompetence which democracy brings (see "feuding factions" above).

Soon will begin "second phase" of the “transitional period” in Iraq. The following summarizes the steps which will follow the seating of the National Assembly elected on January 30, 2005. It's basically this:

1. National Assembly selects three-person Presidency Council, by two-thirds vote
2. Within two weeks, PC unanimously selects Prime Minister
3. PM recommends ministers; PC names them and NA approves them
4. NA completes constitution by August 15, 2005
5. Referendum on constitution by October 15, 2005
6. New elections under new constitution by December 15, 2005
7. New government takes office by December 31, 2005
8. Unless the constitution was not approved in the referendum, or was rejected by two-thirds of voters in three or more governates, in which case, start over with a new National Assembly.

There are several “GO TO 10” provisions, such as if the constitution is rejected in the referendum. A guest editorial on Juan Cole's blog points out this potentially means Sunnis could be permanently oppressed, as they reject proposed constitution after proposed constitution, year after year. The Kurds are protected under the TAL, as would be the Shiite majority, and one might think they will have little incentive to offer the Sunnis much in the constitution. Professor Arato overlooks completely how annoying elections year-after-year can be.

Our email box was over-flowing this morning. Many angry Andromeda readers wrote to complain about our tirade concerning the eyebrows, wives, etc., of certain Democratic leaders who put in a less than whelming performance following Bush's SOTU. Now, we could cite over-night polls which show a remarkably poor showing for the Democrats, whose eyebrows were rarely mentioned by most respondents. But management has nonetheless issued the following statement:

Andromeda Blog "absolutely" has confidence in Andy. "He wouldn't put anything knowingly in the blog that was false; we're sure he wouldn't put anything knowingly in the blog that was false," Andromeda Blog management said. "In this case, this particular line shouldn't have gotten in because it was not of the quality that we would put into presidential speeches."

Whatevs. But if the beige-on-beige Democratic leaders are too programmed by consultants to say anything besides "old-fashioned moral values" and "We are called to do this and more by our faith," and certain bloggers are easily distracted by eyebrow contests, who will point out that Bush was lying?

This blog may have made comments which some may have construed as possibly suggesting this blog might be "hot" for Mrs. Harry Reid. While it is true she is a healthy attractive relatively young woman, married to what appears to be a doddering, pre-senilic Senate Minority Leader, this blog has no intention of moving in on Harry Reid's action before he is proven clinically dead, within a reasonable medical certainty, all things considered, taking into account that certain actions or reflexes, such as the growth of hair, the growth of fingernails, or the giving of Floor speeches, may continue long after death.

It has come to our attention that our contest could be mis-interpreted as suggesting Harry Reid's wife was a large, bulky woman. Nothing could be further from the truth. She is a delicate flower. Her name, Landra, may suggest to the infantile that she is as large as, say, a land mass, such as, say, Asia. Some readers may even compare her name to "Mothra." These references are wholly inappropriate and this blog disavows them completely. She is a very attractive woman.

As expected, no one could agree about what a "slow three count" is. It is simple. Just say, "Social Security benefit reduction" between each count. That is: "One Social Security benefit reduction, Two Social Security benefit reductions, an a Three Social Security benefit reductions." And, of course, the person lifting Mrs. Reid must say those words. We are truly surprised to see so many contestants attempting to lift her while their buddies did the count. This should have been obvious.

Harry Reid's "people" have contacted us and, it turns out, they want a tougher test before he will go on a date. First, all contestants must agree that his wife can go along. Second, locating his eye brows is just too easy and his people feel there should also be feats of strength. Accordingly, the winner must first prove that he or she can LIFT HARRY REID'S WIFE before moving to the second round. Per his staff, this must be a clean lift, holding her -- meaning all physical parts of her, hair, clothing, and perfume excluded -- at least two inches off the ground for a slow three count.

We have been compelled, by a lawsuit that was literally so fast it made our head spin, to withdraw and revoke the Win A Date With Nancy Pelosi contest. The good news is, that's more olive loaf for the staff here at Andromeda. Mmm, mmm! I love olive loaf! The better news is that Harry Reid is still in! Find his eyebrows and you will win a date with Harry "If Diluted Milk Is Bland, Then Call Me Diluted Bland" Reid!

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid were a dismal pair. Repeating word-for-word and moving gesture-for-gesture, as the greasy, rich Democratic consultants advised them to speak and move, they put in a performance which was so scary it was boring. Or so boring it was scary. Reid perked up only once -- announcing it was Groundhog's Day -- only to fire off (blip!) a tepid one-liner about "the same old ideology."

But the important question -- the only question which arose in the minds of or momentarily interested the American public -- was where are Nancy Pelosi's real eyebrows? The shape of her face (and sharply lined eye sockets) would lead one to conclude one location, the likelihood of a face-lift suggests other conclusions, and the location where they have been crudely drawn gives further hints.

The contest winner will receive a date with Nancy "So Slow She's Fast" Pelosi, or a 16 oz. package of Oscar Mayer olive loaf. (We already bought the olive loaf, we'll contact Pelosi's office, if necessary.)

President Bush said tonight that, if the Iranian people rise up, the U.S. will support them. This is quite a statement, one which the Iranians can be expected to take to heart, considering how well America stood up for their fellow Shiites during Big Daddy Bush's Administration -- after the 1991 Gulf War.

It has been pointed out by some that elections in Iraq are not necessarily proof that the mission is accomplished, and to underscore this point, they allude to 1967 comments by the U.S. regarding Vietnamese elections:

"United States officials were surprised and heartened today at the size of turnout in South Vietnam's presidential election despite a Vietcong terrorist campaign to disrupt the voting. According to reports from Saigon, 83 percent of the 5.85 million registered voters cast their ballots yesterday. Many of them risked reprisals threatened by the Vietcong. A successful election has long been seen as the keystone in President Johnson's policy of encouraging the growth of constitutional processes in South Vietnam."
- Peter Grose, in a page 2 New York Times article titled, 'U.S. Encouraged by Vietnam Vote,' September 4, 1967.

What these people do not realize is that Iraq is not Vietnam. Iraq has a different climate, a different culture, a different geography, it's spelled differently, it's capital is Baghdad not Saigon, the countries are different colors on many maps, and more. The things that happened in Vietnam could never happen in Iraq, because only Vietnam is Vietnam. Well, possibly North Vietnam is Vietnam. And Laos, let's face it, no one really knows where that border is. Or Cambodia.

The point is -- the lesson of Vietnam is don't invade Vietnam. Thus, we can avoid repeating the mistakes of history by studying history ... and then making sure we never start a quagmire in a country where we've already had a quagmire. So, from now on, Iraq is off-limits. Once we get out of there. Assuming we do get out of there. But why wouldn't we -- we got out of Vietnam, didn't we?

Responding to a bold, if somewhat foolhardy, challenge by Star Command through spokesperson Buzz Lightyear (whose hip words -- "Bring It" -- were later adopted and translated to Texan by a Toy President), insurgents in Iraq have captured and are threatening to behead a toy soldier. Mr. Lightyear's remarks have, predictably, proven more helpful to the U.S. cause than the President's, inasmuch as the plastic toys can be inexpensively manufactured. Mr. Lightyear, who still claims toy weapons of mass destruction may yet be found in Iraq, announced Star Command would not negotiate, but Reverend Jesse Jackson has nonetheless offered his services.

It is with great sadness that we report to you that whatever crawled on top of Kim Jong Il's head and died -- has died. The pompadour-like critter, lovingly named "Pompadon't" by Leader Kim Jong ("I'm Not Illin' I'm Just Chillin'") Il, has now been declared really-most-sincerely-dead by Party Officials