Andromeda

Eager to jump on the bandwagon, Andromeda has finally cornered one of the 20-something staffers here for an interview on the Social Security Crisis!

Andy: OK, um, just let me be sure, you are a twenty-something?

Staffer: Yes.

Andy: Cause I, well, I, you don't, uh ....

Staffer: What?

Andy: No piercings? No tattoos? What up wit dat?

Staffer: Well, first of all, I do have a tattoo, but I'm not going to show it to you. Second of all, I do have piercings, but I don't wear jewelry at the office. And third, what were you doing with your arms when you said, 'What up wit dat?'

Andy: Isn't that what you do? Like flashing gang signs or something?

Staffer: Um, that's not what I do.

Andy: Well, anyway, let's talk about the Social Security Crisis. It is well-known that people your age don't believe Social Security will be there for them and therefore you are happy to have the program ended --

Staffer: Why is that?

Andy: Why is what?

Staffer: Why would I be happy to have the program ended?

Andy: Well, you've given up any hope the program will be around when you're older and you prefer just to take care of things yourself.

Staffer: Well, I heard the program is currently running a surplus and will continue to be paying 100% of benefits through 2052 with no changes at all. I retire in 2045.

Andy: But what about how the Social Security money has been wasted through government mismanagement?

Staffer: When did that happen?

Andy: Oh, I don't know, I thought I heard it somewhere. Anyway, wouldn't you like your own account that you could invest in and save for your own retirement?

Staffer: Sure. I used to have that at my old job. And Social Security, too. I put as much money in my private account as I could and I put it in safe, solid Funds with the big investment companies. And guess what? I lost money! The Social Security trust fund got a better return than I did in my private account.

Andy: Well, you won't have to worry about that under the Bush plan. There are going to be severe restrictions on permitted investments for the private accounts, so we can be sure they're safe.

Staffer: Well, if there are going to be all these restrictions, what's the big advantage of private accounts? What's the difference between the government telling me how to invest, and the government just investing for me? At least I get a guaranteed benefit if the government invests it.

Andy: Look, you do realize we are facing a $10 trillion shortfall, don't you? Private accounts will make that magically go away.

Staffer: Yeh, right, it goes up every time they talk about it. But from what I heard, their plan is to make it go away in just two ways: (1) cutting the benefits; and (2) borrowing the money.

Andy: And private accounts. I hear they somehow do something, too. But what do you want? Tax increases?

Staffer: You pay me $31,000 a year. Do you really think I mind if the cap is increased from $90,000 to $200,000?

Andy: But someday, maybe you'll be rich. Then you'll wish you hadn't raised the $90,000 cap, I bet.

Staffer: I don't think so. First, I'll be rich. Second, the alternative is to borrow trillions of dollars, meaning people my age are going to spend our forties, fifties and sixties, working off a huge debt. I've heard that the increase in Federal debt actually acts just like a tax on future generations --

Andy: You hear a lot of things, don't you? What do they do -- play PSAs at your rave parties?

Staffer: No, it's all in the rap songs that you can't understand.

Andy: Well, as a nihilist, you surely --

Staffer: What makes you think I'm a nihilist?

Andy: But you said yourself you have a tattoo!

Staffer: Right!

Andy: Certainly, you'll agree that, at your age, you're far too selfish to think about your generation helping another generation.

Staffer: Didn't I just say my generation has to pay no matter what? And what makes you think I'm so selfish? It looks to me like this joining together where people help each other, where nobody is left starving, has worked pretty well for sixty years and it seems like the kind of thing a lot of people my age appreciate.

Andy: You're not a typical 20-something at all, you're some kind of hippy!

Staffer: Would a hippy slice your fat belly open, because I have tattoos and I am crazy! I will cut you, do you want me to cut you, cause I will!

Andy: OK! Thanks for sitting down with us --

Staffer: I want a raise.