Andromeda

Let Fafblog! rule in the arena of interviews of real people. And inanimate objects. And people grouped based on their profession and role in society. And deities.

Continuing to dominate in the arena of interviews of abstract concepts, Andromeda brings you: the Social Security Crisis.

Andy: So ... how's it going?

Social Security Crisis: Meh.

Andy: What?

Social Security Crisis: Meh.

Andy: Meh? What do you mean by that?

Social Security Crisis: By "meh," I mean "meh."

Andy: Whatever. I was just being polite anyway. What I'm getting at is this. Lots of people say you exist. Other people say you don't exist. Some people say you exist and you're big and scary and coming straight for us look-out-look-out-look-out. Some people say, "Eh, not so much."

Social Security Crisis: Well, let me tell you right now, I exist.

Andy: OK.

Social Security Crisis: And I am big. Really big. Huge, in fact. And plus, besides, I'm also coming straight for you, like you said there with the look-out and all. I could be there in 2042. Or -- yikes! -- I'm there in 2018! How you like that? I bet you don't like that.

Andy: What if you're just something conjured up in my imagination by Presidential fear-mongering?

Social Security Crisis: Huh?

Andy: Well, isn't that just what you would say if you were just made-up? Wouldn't the made-up you just go on and say, "I exist, I exist, wah-wah-wah"? I mean, how you going to scare me if you say, "What, me? I don't exist, nah, not at all do I exist, nuh-uh, no way."

Social Security Crisis: I think therefore I think I couldn't say I don't exist if I didn't exist and I don't think I could say I exist if I didn't exist.

Andy: Well, that doesn't make any sense --

Social Security Crisis: Boo!

Andy: What did you do that for?

Social Security Crisis: Were you scared?

Andy: No. I was annoyed.

Social Security Crisis: Yeah, right! The Social Security Crisis just an annoyance. That's just what those stupid Democrats say. They're always playing politics with Social Security -- using it to further their ideological agenda.

Andy: But isn't that what the Bush Administration is doing with you? Using you to enrich campaign contributors in the big stock brokerages, while edging toward the dismantling of Social Security, a longtime goal of conservatives?

Social Security Crisis: Um, well, I -- BOO!

Andy: So what's your answer?

Social Security Crisis: I think we should be grateful to the gigantic stock brokerages, for their willingness to step up to the trough, I mean the plate, I mean do their civic duty, in exchange for fat, shiny profits.

Andy: Well, then they at least guarantee everyone successful investing, right?

Social Security Crisis: Yes, they do. They guarantee that everyone will do better than the market. But it's not a "guarantee" guarantee. It's more like a "cross-my-heart promise" guarantee. Really, it's better than any plain old ordinary regular guarantee, because it's like that oasis you can always see ahead of you as you trudge across the desert. It will always be there. Til you die.

Andy: I hear your deficit is only $3.7 trillion, rather than the $10 trillion the Bush Administration is talking about.

Social Security Crisis: Now, that is crazy talk. In fact, I can tell you, it's much bigger than $10 trillion. They got to $10 trillion by only extrapolating to infinity. If you want to be really sure of what the deficit could possibly be, you gotta calculate based on infinity-squared.

Andy: Does that really change anything?

Social Security Crisis: Why wouldn't it?

Andy: Well, it's already out to infinity.

Social Security Crisis: Yeah, but, this is infinity squared. Get it? Squared.

Andy: Uh-huh. Isn't it true you'd go away if we just raised the income cap from $90,000 to $200,000, or made a few other minor adjustments?

Social Security Crisis: Oh, don't be so sure. You're gonna need to at least privatize, I mean, personalize, Social Security to make me go away.

Andy: Well --

Social Security Crisis: Personalize it -- squared.

Andy: Isn't the ultimate effect of "personal accounts" that a portion of Social Security is eliminated?

Social Security Crisis: It's the only way.

Andy: What do you mean?

Social Security Crisis: Once we get back to everyone having to save for their own retirement with no government protection or guarantees, no sharing of risk across society or across generations, once we again have everyone on their own, with the rich and well-born very well protected, and the people of bad luck or bad judgment or bad social position starving and dying in the streets, then the crisis will finally be averted, all will be well, and I will go away.

Andy: Well, thank --

Social Security Crisis: Until then, it's gonna be very, very SCA-A-ARY!