Andromeda

Although we at Andromeda had hoped to provide daily commentary on the shuttle's return to flight, all the news today is good, leaving us with nothing to grouse about. So we're going to talk about something else: the indomitable human spirit.

For is it not that spirit of striving, forever striving, which makes a man a man, a woman a woman, and so on? Did the humble monkey ever dream of such modern marvels as ALT-TAB window-switching, or the coolatta? Or, even if he did, did he throw himself down in the dirt and roll around screeching when the first coolatta prototypes exploded in Earth-enveloping balls of fire, or when the first ALT-TAB switching attempts caused sharpened steel rods to be driven through the computer user's eyes, or did he do what humans did, and pull the steel rods out of their eyes, roll around in the dirt screeching and then pick themselves up and dust themselves off and try again? Sure, they next tried the coolatta with MORE fissionable materials and the ALT-TAB switching with even stronger springs on the steel rods, but what's important is they did not give up.

No, they kept trying and trying until, finally, they unleashed their intercontinental ballistic coolattas and their multiple independently targeted ALT-TAB switching upon their quiet neighbors and took all their space shuttles. And that man was Eli Whitney.

Well, it appears the chip on the aft edge of the right nose gear door is too small to be a problem. Hooray! The other worrisome area detected from the External Tank camera was the chine tile Area of Interest. That too appears to be an insignificant issue. So the shuttle is safe. Phew!

No, don't keep looking at the photos! Stop, we already assured you that the two items seen on the right side of the shuttle from the ET cam are fine, so there's nothing else to look for. Why are you looking at that white shape that can be seen about a foot aft of the nose gear door, a little to the left of center? What do you mean it looks like an EZ-Pull Tab?

For over two years, NASA has been fully aware of, and very concerned about, the foam on the protuberance air-flow ramps of the shuttle's external fuel tank. For that reason, NASA asked America's top scientists to work and keep working and then work some more, until they were sure, absolutely sure, the tank was safe. All that work to prevent and guard against a particular and highly foreseeable failure which, well, happened anyway.

So what is to be done? Ask America's top scientists to look at the problem. So says Bill Parsons, Manager of the Space Shuttle Program at the 6 pm briefing this evening. But this time they're really gonna buckle down and knock this thing out even if it takes all night, cause this is go time, baby!

Almost as though Jed Clampett's truck had been shot into the sky, the space shuttle Discovery launched STS-114 into orbit, spattering critters and spewing debris. Today, they will use the new boom on the CanadaArm to search the nose and wings for damage, and hopefully scrape a possum out of the grill for granny's stew. In about a hundred flights, the shuttle has been hit by about 15,000 items of debris, so the chances of a catastrophe on re-entry seem minuscule, but public hue and cry about flight safety will likely lead to the crew holing up in the ISS until rescued by Atlantis, which will have lost even more of its thermal protection than Discovery and still land successfully on one wheel. The good news, from a science discovery perspective, as well as from a survival perspective, will be that Discovery will continue to encounter space "roadkill" even on orbit, and granny's famous "E.T. chitlins 'n' gravy" sits great on a space biscuit.

On July 13, 2005, the "Return to Flight" of the American Space Shuttle was aborted due to an ECO fuel sensor problem.

The ECO ("engine cut-off") fuel sensor is supposed to be able to tell when the tanks are empty and cut the engines off. The reason such a cut-off is required is that, if the engines attempt to continue running with an empty tank, they may suffer "uncontained failure" (i.e., fiery explosion). In other words, exactly like a '77 Buick Electra.

Oh yeah, they also acknowledged it had already been failing intermittently well before the July 13, 2005 launch date. In fact, since April:

Recent problems with the ECO sensor system dates back to April when two of the four hydrogen depletion sensors operated intermittently during a fueling test. Engineers removed a "black box" from Discovery that is used to format and relay data from the sensors to the shuttle's flight computers and subjected it to detailed analysis. But it operated normally.

So, following the July 13 abort, they took the ECO fuel sensor system apart and checked everything, testing it this way and that and, eventually, they found some ground variances and some possible electromagnetic interference, but they didn't actually find the problem. So they put it all back together and, on July 18, 2005, they announced they were going to launch on Tuesday, July 26, 2005. Unless the ECO fuel sensor warning goes off during count-down again.

We now drive an '02 LeSabre. Occasionally, we get this "Engine Exploding" light on the dashboard. So we scrunch our eyes, hunch our shoulders and wait, thinking "We have absolutely GOT to get this car in for service, absolutely GOT to." But then the light goes out again. So we drive on, past several friendly service stations and auto repair shops. Because the light is not on, see? Sure, we have found the light goes back on if we flick it lightly with our finger. So we don't do that anymore.

Terrorists hate freedom. We will not be safe from terrorists until all freedom has been eradicated. Privacy is part of freedom and, of course, must be done away with. More cameras are needed, regardless of their effectiveness in stopping terrorism. Random searches of people passing along the public way must begin immediately, even if, by permitting the terrorists to decline the search and come back later, their ineffectiveness is guaranteed. Paraphrasing Patrick Henry, one New Jersey gentleman said, "I'd rather be watched and alive than dead with my privacy intact," nicely summing up the modern version of that independent American can-do spirit.

It is important that all people take the following simple steps which are sure to stop the terrorists:

Many people have already tried these simple tips and are amazed at their results:

Beth S. Daw of Bethesda, Maryland said, "I think whatever everyone thinks."

John Q. Public of Anytown, USA said, "Giving up my anonymity has really helped me with the terrorists. Before, I'd be walking along, not telling anyone who I was, what I was doing, where I was going, or what I was thinking, and next thing you know there'd be a swarm of five or six of 'em, rucksacks just bulgin' with suicide bombs, but now it's been three weeks without a single private thought in my head or non-public fact about me, and I haven't been blown up once."

Candice Camra of Allen, Funt, explained, "At first, I thought it was wrong we had to buy and install all the cameras ourselves, plus send in the videotape once a week to the government. But the good news is I found a benign polyp in my lower colon!"

How pampered is the Daily Howler? One need look no further than the "Bush Above Scotty" item. Holding its wine glass in one hand, and dutifully typing with the other, the vaunted Daily Howler is too powdered to actually research Bush's comments. Naturally, that perfumed member of the Internet elite conveniently ignores Bush's more recent and express pledge to fire the leaker. A pledge made long after the investigation had become ongoing. But the Daily Howler is too busy rubbing its thighs to notice that a June 2004 statement by Bush about the ongoing investigation renders the recent line from the White House even more hypocritical.

Q Given -- given recent developments in the CIA leak case, particularly Vice President Cheney's discussions with the investigators, do you still stand by what you said several months ago, a suggestion that it might be difficult to identify anybody who leaked the agent's name?

THE PRESIDENT: That's up to --

Q And, and, do you stand by your pledge to fire anyone found to have done so?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes. And that's up to the U.S. Attorney to find the facts.

Just too pampered to dutifully type that, now weren't you, Daily Howler? (Please set down your wine glass before answering. Wine does not come out of a keyboard -- I know.)

CORRECTION: That's red wine that does not come out of a keyboard. A chablis or chardonnay cleans up quite nicely. We at Andromeda sincerely apologize that we were too powdered to make that clear in our original post.

President Bush, today, answering questions from the press prior to his Cabinet meeting:

Mark Knoller, are you with us?

Q You bet. Thank you, sir. Can I ask you if you have spoken with your Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove about the Valerie Plame matter? And do you think he acted improperly in talking about it with reporters?

THE PRESIDENT: Mark, I have instructed every member of my staff to fully cooperate in this investigation. I also will not prejudge the investigation based on media reports. We're in the midst of an ongoing investigation, and I will be more than happy to comment further once the investigation is completed.

Elaine.

Q Mr. President, on that front, though, has Mr. Rove come to you and discussed -- when did he discuss the fact that he had conversations with reporters about Valerie Plame? And based on that, do you feel as though it was appropriate in 2003 for your spokesman to say definitively that Karl Rove had nothing to do with the Valerie Plame incident?

THE PRESIDENT: We're in the midst of an ongoing investigation, and this is a serious investigation. And it is very important for people not to prejudge the investigation based on media reports. And again, I will be more than happy to comment on this matter once the investigation is complete.

The President is right, we cannot prejudge this investigation based on media reports. Since there is no other way to determine who the leaker is, he must wait until the investigation is complete. Of course, while the investigation drags on, the President continues to have a leaker in his midst and no way whatsoever to find out who it is. For all the President knows, that leaker might be someone in a position of great power. Goodness gracious, this unknown person who cannot possibly be found out until the investigation is over might still have a high security clearance. Think of it: the leaker might even have been in that very room!

Andy: ... so that's why we think using stem cells to develop our Strategic Defense Initiative is morally consistent. Steve?

Q: Andy, last fall, you stated in no uncertain terms that no one at Andromeda had anything to do with the disclosure of Plame's identity and yet this weekend Time Magazine reported your staff was responsible for creating a clickable web map showing the location of all her secret contacts.

Andy: Well, first of all, you can hardly believe everything you read in Time Magazine, with all the trouble they're having these days getting decent sources. Second, there is an ongoing criminal investigation ... which we think is stupid. We also think the special prosecutor is stupid. And we totally reject the story in Time Magazine. Janet.

Q: In Andromeda's War on Terror --

Q: Andy, when you say "totally reject," do you mean there is no truth at all in the Time Magazine story?

Andy: Steve, please do not interrupt Janet.

Q: Thank you Andy, I was saying that Andromeda is doing an excellent job in the War on Terror and ... that seems really important.

Andy: Yes.

Q: Do you want to comment on that?

Andy: Sure, we at Andromeda feel terrorism is very bad and very scary. And scary things can be very distracting. Yes, Don?

Q: Following up on Steve's question, when you say "totally reject," do you mean these is no truth at all in the Time Magazine story?

Andy: Story? What story? They have a story?

Q: You just spoke about it a second ago, they accuse you of creating a clickable web map --

Andy: Fine, fine! Yes, I remember the story and we totally reject it. Janet?

Q: Wait, Andy, that was my question -- what do you mean "totally reject"?

Andy: Nothing, Janet?

Q: I just had that one.

Andy: OK, when we say "totally reject," we do not necessarily mean we reject the story in its totality, we mean we completely reject the parts that are not accurate. Go ahead, Janet.

Q: Me? I was just leaving.

Q: What is inaccurate?

Andy: Well, if you must know, the map did not have "all" her secret contacts. We didn't mention Islamabad at all. And one of the links was broken.

Q: We have just learned there is a videotape with excellent audio showing you releasing Plame's secret identity.

Andy: I appreciate your question. Well, that is why we have said we, unfortunately, cannot comment anymore on an ongoing investigation. No one wants to get to the bottom of this more than we do. No one is more interested in nailing this thing down. No one has a greater sense of natural curiosity than we do. But with the ongoing investigation and all, our hands are tied.

Q: But you've previously commented on the investigation. Last fall, you stated in no uncertain terms that you had nothing to do with the Plame matter.

Andy: I know what I said. Don't you think I know what I said? I am very familiar with what I said. No one wants to get to the bottom of what I said more than I do. But we cannot say anything more at this time, due to the ongoing investigation. We just cannot comment on an ongoing investigation. Where did Janet go?

Q: But you have commented on the investigation. You said it was stupid and the special prosecutor --

Andy: I know that, I know that, I know what I said. But that was prior to the criminal invest --

Q: That was just a few seconds ago, during this news conference.

Andy: Well, you have my answer. What's that Janet? You want to know about Andromeda's plans for the War on Terror?

Q: She's not even here.

Andy: I can't comment on that.

Q: Well, as to the War on Terror, would you care to comment on the failure to keep the war restricted to Iraq?

Andy: I appreciate your question. I think your question is being asked relating to some reports that are in reference to an ongoing criminal investigation. As you --

Q: No, it isn't.

Andy: Well, I think it is.

Q: But it isn't.

Andy: I will be glad to talk about it at the appropriate time. No one wants to find the truth more than we do.

Long, long ago, in the caveman days, blogs could only be self-referential. "Yesterday, I said this, and the day before that I said that," would blog the bold blogger. Then someone, possibly me, came up with the idea of what I will call "linking," and suddenly it became possible for one blog to "link" to another, vastly expanding -- and yet retaining -- the core concept of blogging, i.e., self-referentialism. This was known as the Golden Age of Blogging.

But nowadays there is TV, also known as cable TV. As blogs' awesome power has grown, the TV crowd have grown jealous and attempted to crush all blogging, by making it boring, i.e., by reporting on it.

Yet, blogging is not merely a fad, a fashion, a trend, nor even a movement. It is an elemental universal force. So it did what it because of what it is must do: it swallowed the TV reporting on blogging. So DC Fishbowl provides updates on developments at CNN's "Inside the Blogs," as does TV Newser and a blog is dedicated to just the co-host of the CNN show (I Luv Abbi Tatton Blog).

But who will keep us updated on these blogs reporting on cable reporting on blogs?

Unless there is some way to invade Iraq even more, it is time to recognize the conservatives' solution to terrorism is not working, and we must consider the liberals' solution. For that reason, Andromeda has decided to offer FREE THERAPY to all terrorists.

This offer is not limited to psychological therapy. Massage therapy (with happy ending!) is also available, as is nail therapy (it really is just a question of diet, but a nice soak and polish never hurts) and, in fact, any spa treatment. With luck, a nice mud mask will soak that evil right out of your pores!

Just present your Terrorist I.D. Card (even terrorists have been forced to resort to these privacy-invading measures) at any Andromeda retail outlet.

Employees of Andromeda and their families are ineligible. Offer not assignable. Must be present to win.