Saturday, July 23, 2005
Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death
Terrorists hate freedom. We will not be safe from terrorists until all freedom has been eradicated. Privacy is part of freedom and, of course, must be done away with. More cameras are needed, regardless of their effectiveness in stopping terrorism. Random searches of people passing along the public way must begin immediately, even if, by permitting the terrorists to decline the search and come back later, their ineffectiveness is guaranteed. Paraphrasing Patrick Henry, one New Jersey gentleman said, "I'd rather be watched and alive than dead with my privacy intact," nicely summing up the modern version of that independent American can-do spirit.
It is important that all people take the following simple steps which are sure to stop the terrorists:
It is important that all people take the following simple steps which are sure to stop the terrorists:
- Don't carry your freedom around with you. Terrorists are looking for the easy targets. Keep it safe at home under your bed. If for some reason you are inconsiderately carrying your freedom in public, do not openly display it, and most importantly do not flaunt it. For example, rather than wearing one of those dangerous Ziggy cartoons blaring out some viewpoint on a T-shirt, try just thinking to yourself, "Oh, my, a bird doing laps sure would bother Ziggy! That is so funny."
- Do not keep your freedom under your bed. The bedroom is no place for freedom! If you have a cellar, go there and dig a deep hole. Bury your freedom there under two feet of concrete. If you do not have a cellar, dig one. Try some nice wood paneling. Put in a wet bar. And bury your freedom under two feet of concrete.
- You may feel inclined to use your freedom to say something mildly critical, or perhaps just teasing, about your government. Don't. Terrorists quickly detect that sort of freedom especially. Especially since they hacked into the government's new "All-Seeing Eye" network of security cameras, which are activated by the sound of gunshots or "Bush is dumb" jokes.
- If, by some chance, you and your spouse were down in the cellar last night, rolling around in that deep shag carpet after trying out the wet bar, and you used your last ration of freedom to try a little something "new," wear a heavy perfume or cologne the next day. Dogs smell fear; terrorists smell freedom.
Many people have already tried these simple tips and are amazed at their results:
Beth S. Daw of Bethesda, Maryland said, "I think whatever everyone thinks."
John Q. Public of Anytown, USA said, "Giving up my anonymity has really helped me with the terrorists. Before, I'd be walking along, not telling anyone who I was, what I was doing, where I was going, or what I was thinking, and next thing you know there'd be a swarm of five or six of 'em, rucksacks just bulgin' with suicide bombs, but now it's been three weeks without a single private thought in my head or non-public fact about me, and I haven't been blown up once."
Candice Camra of Allen, Funt, explained, "At first, I thought it was wrong we had to buy and install all the cameras ourselves, plus send in the videotape once a week to the government. But the good news is I found a benign polyp in my lower colon!"
