Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Gay Marriage and YOU
As the darkening clouds of gay marriage gather on the horizon, the U.S. Senate has faltered, failing us again, leaving the country exposed to these rampaging marauders. Andromeda presents this thoughtful guide to help you through these troubled times.
What IS this gay marriage anyway?
Good question, Timmy. It is the greatest, gravest danger to America and to the American way of life which the country has ever faced. By changing the definition of marriage, these invading hordes are attacking America's greatest weakness: the ability to remember the definitions of words.
What can I do? I'm just one man!
Stay that way. That's the first thing. Second, if you have a strong stomach, why don't you try heterosexual sex? Or talk to your friends and neighbors about heterosexual sex. Try to explain to them its good points.
Well, I like heterosexual sex, Andromeda! So am I OK?
No, you're not, Timmy, you're not OK. Sadly, many young men and women are like you and think they're just fine, because they are having heterosexual sex. Lots and lots of dirty, wet, delicious heterosexual sex. But they could not be more wrong.
Couldn't they be more wrong if they believed Jesus got married, had a kid and His descendants still live today?
No. The most wrong they could be is if they believed they're OK, just because they like heterosexual sex.
So what's wrong with them thinking that?
I'll tell you, Timmy. The only thing good about heterosexual sex is that it's procreative. Non-procreative sex makes Jesus cry. Are you happy now? With all your pestering questions, Timmy, you just made Jesus cry!
I'm sorry, Andy. So you're saying non-ovulating women can't have sex at all? And men with er-er-erectile dys-dys --
No, Jimmy, that's why God created Viagra.
My name is Timmy.
You're forgetting the big picture, Jimmy, which is that God only approves of guilty sex where both partners get it over as quickly as possible, with as little pleasure for the woman as possible ... hiding their nakedness and shame in the darkness ... wearing burqas and masks ... maybe a cowboy hat, and some holsters and shiny six-guns, yelling, "Hi-ho, Silver!" But the point is, if men and women are allowed to have pleasure during sex, then men will be allowed to have pleasure during sex, and women will be allowed to have pleasure during sex, and who knows where it will stop?
What IS this gay marriage anyway?
Good question, Timmy. It is the greatest, gravest danger to America and to the American way of life which the country has ever faced. By changing the definition of marriage, these invading hordes are attacking America's greatest weakness: the ability to remember the definitions of words.
What can I do? I'm just one man!
Stay that way. That's the first thing. Second, if you have a strong stomach, why don't you try heterosexual sex? Or talk to your friends and neighbors about heterosexual sex. Try to explain to them its good points.
Well, I like heterosexual sex, Andromeda! So am I OK?
No, you're not, Timmy, you're not OK. Sadly, many young men and women are like you and think they're just fine, because they are having heterosexual sex. Lots and lots of dirty, wet, delicious heterosexual sex. But they could not be more wrong.
Couldn't they be more wrong if they believed Jesus got married, had a kid and His descendants still live today?
No. The most wrong they could be is if they believed they're OK, just because they like heterosexual sex.
So what's wrong with them thinking that?
I'll tell you, Timmy. The only thing good about heterosexual sex is that it's procreative. Non-procreative sex makes Jesus cry. Are you happy now? With all your pestering questions, Timmy, you just made Jesus cry!
I'm sorry, Andy. So you're saying non-ovulating women can't have sex at all? And men with er-er-erectile dys-dys --
No, Jimmy, that's why God created Viagra.
My name is Timmy.
You're forgetting the big picture, Jimmy, which is that God only approves of guilty sex where both partners get it over as quickly as possible, with as little pleasure for the woman as possible ... hiding their nakedness and shame in the darkness ... wearing burqas and masks ... maybe a cowboy hat, and some holsters and shiny six-guns, yelling, "Hi-ho, Silver!" But the point is, if men and women are allowed to have pleasure during sex, then men will be allowed to have pleasure during sex, and women will be allowed to have pleasure during sex, and who knows where it will stop?
