Monday, February 06, 2006
Geometry of Time
Countless readers have written in to demand an explanation of Alexander Mayer's theory that time has a local direction, such that past calculations of red-shifts were fundamentally in error. In response, we say, "What do you mean 'demand'? Is that supposed to be some kind of threat? As the Iranians said to George W. Bush: You and whose army?"
We answer only out of an excess of generosity of spirit, brought on no doubt by all the holiday decorations, as the local porn shops gear up for Valentine's Day. The key to understanding this is to think in four dimensions. That is, the dimensions of space, plus the one dimension of time. But then have more dimensions of time. But these new dimensions are not orthogonal to the first. Or to the space dimensions. No, wait, they are orthogonal to ordinary space, but not to each other. They are pointed out from the surface of spacetime, but since spacetime is curved, they could point in lots of different directions. Indeed, as you follow these time arrows around the Universe, they end up pointing completely around 360 degrees, because the Universe is finite yet unbounded, i.e., in curved (Riemannian) space. To put this another way, everything old is new again. Or the first shall be last, and the last shall be first. Or the big wheel keeps on turnin, and Proud Mary keeps on burnin.
By this means, naturally, we find there was no "Big Bang" but that the Universe has always existed, due to the nature of time. Now, we will answer some specific questions:
We answer only out of an excess of generosity of spirit, brought on no doubt by all the holiday decorations, as the local porn shops gear up for Valentine's Day. The key to understanding this is to think in four dimensions. That is, the dimensions of space, plus the one dimension of time. But then have more dimensions of time. But these new dimensions are not orthogonal to the first. Or to the space dimensions. No, wait, they are orthogonal to ordinary space, but not to each other. They are pointed out from the surface of spacetime, but since spacetime is curved, they could point in lots of different directions. Indeed, as you follow these time arrows around the Universe, they end up pointing completely around 360 degrees, because the Universe is finite yet unbounded, i.e., in curved (Riemannian) space. To put this another way, everything old is new again. Or the first shall be last, and the last shall be first. Or the big wheel keeps on turnin, and Proud Mary keeps on burnin.
By this means, naturally, we find there was no "Big Bang" but that the Universe has always existed, due to the nature of time. Now, we will answer some specific questions:
1. Could I be my own grandfather?
ANSWER: Well, how attracted are you to your grandmother?
2. I mean, can the great paradoxes of time be resolved?
ANSWER: Yes, once one sees that time itself has multiple directions, one sees time travel is easily achieved, but since time is locally distinct, time travel does require travel in 3-dimensional space. Since this takes time, and requires packing, it would not be possible to go back in time and shoot Captain Kirk before he shoots John Wilkes Booth and returns through the time warp.
3. Seriously?
ANSWER: No. Such contradictions are freely allowed and are currently being exploited by the future you. That bastard. Oh, damn, I just got a scar from where you shot me as an infant! Damn! You just read that your first shot did not kill me!
4. Is the finite, unbound Universe round?
ANSWER: No. It looks more like a mani-dimensional crazy straw. But tell me more about your grandmother.
