Andromeda

French Elections

2007-04-24T23:19:00.000Z

The choice could hardly be clearer. One guy wants to press you down, or push you back. He will chop you, jab you, and punch you in the ear.

The other choice welcomes, welcomes you, really welcomes you, and is glad you're here. Hooray! Hooray! Uh, now, she's stuck like that. Yep, they won't come down. Oh, they're they go.

Andromeda -- In Space

2006-07-07T04:46:00.001Z

Andromeda Blog is aware the ISS and STS-121 crews have insisted that Andromeda Blog be piped up to them three times a day. With that in mind, it is with some trepidation that we announce a major flaw in the manned space program. A MAJOR FLAW! Which we announce with some trepidation.

The major flaw with the manned space program being that it is manned. The second major flaw being that it is a human "program." No offense to any humans who may be reading this. (No, we're not kidding ourselves. Why do you ask? We have non-robot readers. 00100101010101001010?) Throwing humans into space costs a fortune. Yet you puny HEW-MAWNS are hardly capable of collecting, storing, and transmitting the data we could put on a 1-ounce microchip, which hardly eats anything, and whose digestive wastes are less than an ant's. Compared to a human crew, which produces total waste per day of over 150,000 pounds per person according to our rough estimates. And who really should be regarded as an opportunistic infection of our space craft.

Feelings! Wo-o-o Feelings!

2006-07-07T04:46:00.000Z

Andromeda Blog wholeheartedly endorses NASA Administrator Mike Griffin's feelings regarding feelings, so we cannot help expressing our outrage at the joy expressed by Expedition 13 team members Pavel Vinogradov and Jeff Williams when, by some miracle, Shuttle Commander Steve Lindsey managed to dock the shuttle. Apparently intent on "showing" Andromeda Blog, Commander Lindsey was constantly revving the shuttle's engines during the RPM, as though wasting propellant was his "F"-you answer to Eileen Collins minimum-propellant rendezvous pitch manuever and docking. NASA Administrator Griffin would consider such an emotional display "illogical," but there was Lindsey, doing donuts round and round the ISS, until he finally came screeching up to docking with the station.

Pavel and Jeff were obviously very happy after the docking, as the NASA video showed, but Andromeda Blog's special team of lip readers can now divulge that what Vinogradov and Williams were saying during the ISS post-docking congratulatory high-fives was, "Good God, is ANY of the vodka going to arrive intact?!"

GO

2006-07-01T02:52:00.000Z

Andromeda Blog hereby declares itself satisfied that the risks associated with this launch are understood. Andromeda Blog (with its over-sized ones) is willing to take the risk, in the sense of letting seven of humanity's best take the risk, of this launch. Although Andromeda Blog continues to be annoyed that NASA Administrator Mike Griffin continues to understate the crew risk, we are confident the crew does actually understand the true risk, and that the launch is not taking place on the basis of such statements. Andromeda Blog does not back off ONE INCH from its previous statements that Mike Griffin is goofy-looking, but it now supports the "GO" decision. That is all.

What's It To You?

2006-06-30T21:16:00.000Z

NASA has refused to produce Flight Readiness Review documents in response to Florida Today's FOIA request. For the last launch, they produced them. For this launch, they said, "Mind your own bees wax!"

For good reason, too. Last time Florida Today got ahold of such documents, they raised such a hue and cry that STS-114 never left the pad, the shuttle program shut down and everyone who worked on the program was embarrassed and unemployed. No, wait, that's not right. They got the documents, the shuttle took off, the foam problem that was supposedly solved proved to be ongoing and NASA was embarrassed and one mistake closer to complete shutdown of the whole program.

Hmm. So maybe the reason is NASA wants to protect the open-ness of their internal deliberations. After all, certainly the chief engineer and the Chief of Safety and Mission Assurance would never give honest opinions if they knew they were going to be public. Oh, wait, those opinions were published all over the place by NASA itself.

Well, then, it must be because hiding the discussions shows how open NASA is now, willing to listen to all points of view. No, that doesn't make any sense either.

OK, there is no good justification for NASA's decision to suddenly start withholding documents. But NASA knows what's best -- let's just trust NASA. Let's just trust NASA people like the Chief Engineer, uh, wait, I mean let's trust NASA people like the Chief of Safety, um, I mean, like former JSC safety team member Charlie Camarda, ok, hold on a second, I'll think of it.

Better Know A Shuttle Crew: Commander Lindsey

2006-06-27T17:37:00.000Z

Andy: Thank you, STS-121 Commander Steven Lindsey, for taking time out of your busy day to sit down with us.

Lindsey: Steve.

Andy: No, it's Andy.

Lindsey: No, it's Steve, not Steven.

Andy: And you can call me, Andy.

Steve: Uh, thanks, I guess.

Andy: As a regular reader of Andromeda blog, Steve, you know these are pull-no-punches interviews. We ask the questions no one dares to ask. So brace yourself.

Steve: What blog did you say?

Andy: Eileen Collins has been telling everyone who will listen that you will never be able to match her picture-perfect space station docking from STS-114.

Steve: Well, --

Andy: She says you're not pilot enough, not man enough, to even come close.

Steve: OK, that may be --

Andy: She says that you're being from California will likely hamper you, compared to a New Yorker.

Steve: I don't see how that --

Andy: So she suggested we ask you if you knew what "RCS" stands for, and if you could demonstrate the difference between "yaw" and "roll."

Steve: Obviously --

Andy: Oh -- and she said you have to answer without looking at your hand. She said you drew a little diagram with labels for "yaw," "pitch" and "roll."

Steve: Well, you can see there's nothing --

Andy: Let's move on. You have flown over fifty different types of aircraft. Why can't you settle on one?

Steve: I feel the experience --

Andy: If there were an emergency on the shuttle, say an uncontrolled firing of the RCS, what are the chances that, in your excitement, you'll think you're in a Cessna?

Steve: An uncontrolled firing --

Andy: Stephanie Wilson has told us the commander is really the most unimportant crew member, since all the flying can be done automatically. In fact, she said the only equipment you are bringing are several boxes of bon-bons which you will pop luxuriantly into your mouth while the rest of the crew performs EVAs.

Steve: That's just ridiculous. You have to understand --

Andy: Again, thank you Commander Lindsey, for talking to us, and mostly we appreciate your thoughtful responses to our searching inquiries.

Steve: You're an idiot.

Andy: Join us for the next informative installment, readers, when we ask Mission Specialist Mike Fossum whether, as a Vigil Member of Order of the Arrow, he was offended by the DaVinci Code.

Bush Condemns Poll Disclosures

2006-06-27T15:49:00.000Z

President Bush today sharply condemned the New York Times' disclosure of his low approval ratings. "The disclosure of this information is disgraceful," he said.

The ABC/Washington Post poll, showing Bush still dragging along the bottom in approval polls, was not actually reported by the New York Times, but the President blasted them anyway. "For people to leak that information and for the New York Times to publish it does great harm to the United States of America," Bush said, jabbing his finger for emphasis. He said the disclosure of his low approval ratings "makes it harder to win this war on terror."

Vice President Cheney echoed the the President's comments. Referring to a USA Today poll showing the President at a dismal 37% approval, Cheney told a crowd of bloated Republican donors that the New York Times, which has not even mentioned the USA Today story, had acted as the "leader" of these other news organizations. He added, "What is doubly disturbing to me is that they have been rewarded for these damaging reports, as Americans buy more newspapers when they contain information beyond what the Government is saying. I think that is a disgrace."

White House Spokesman Tony Snow explained the larger implications. "We are very concerned about the reckless decisions being made by the American people, in answering these polling questions. The President and the Vice President have both announced that the government is acting correctly. Yet the American people, who were never appointed by anyone, just take it upon themselves to say otherwise. Well, they really need to think about what they say to pollsters, and how much they are helping terrorists when they give honest opinions."

Exclusive! Soccer Brawl in Shuttle Crew

2006-06-25T18:19:00.000Z

NASA Administrator Mike Griffin admitted exclusively to Andromeda that special security measures will be taken to prevent football hooliganism breaking out during the launch of STS-121. These procedures became necessary after Mission Specialist Piers Sellers, a native of Sussex, England, lunged wildly at Mission Specialist Thomas Reiter, from Frankfurter/Main, Germany, during a press event Saturday. Sellers, who had been "preparing" for the England-Ecuador match all Saturday afternoon, began singing, "Ten German bombers flying through the air ...," despite having been told repeatedly not to mention the war.

Reiter responded by patiently explaining the German 2-0 victory over Sweden, illustrating some of the finer points by flinging chairs about. He then commented on England's 2-2 tie with Sweden and inquired whether all English men continued breast-feeding into adulthood, which led to Sellers leaping at Reiter, tripping over Mission Specialist Lisa Nowak's leg, but still swinging, he struck Reiter in the hip with his fist, and in the knee with his face. As blood gushed from his mouth, he sputtered something about Dunkirk, and passed out.

Griffin said the crew of STS-121 would be expanded, to permit a line of German police officers, backed by their British counterparts, to keep Reiter and Sellers apart during take-off. "Obviously, this will be difficult, since Sellers are sitting next to each other in the back row on launch," Griffin noted, "but something had to be done."

The Growing Coconut Threat

2006-06-24T21:13:00.000Z

Andromeda is a brave blog, it is a courageous blog, it is not "risk-averse." To the contrary, Andromeda has large brass ones, the size of coconuts. Which brings us to the latest tedious complaint from a small whining subset of our dedicated and loyal fans: more people die from getting on the head with coconuts than with space shuttles. Or something like that.

To that, we have two responses. First, Andromeda can only do so much, and saving those who loiter endlessly 'neath the palms, heaving great sighs and reciting odes to nature, well, that we must leave to others. Second, Andromeda has never questioned the bravery of the NASA Administrators in approving this flight -- it has only suggested, in the politest way it knows, that their explanations of the risks are stupid, incredibly, astonishingly, breathtakingly, so.

Coconut Administrator: ... and so, I have made the command decision to order the country's top coconut researchers to go out and stand under the palm trees, as close as possible to the trunks.

Q: Administrator, you say there were two votes against -- who were they?

A: Umm, well, let's see, who were they, who were they, oh, yes, here it is. The Coconut Falling Expert and the Head Injury Specialist believed there were some sort of risks associated with our program. But they said they were all for it, if we would just go out and get some helmets first. But I made the command decision, to go ahead immediately.

Q: Are you confident then there is no risk to the Coconut Team due to proceeding without these, what did you call them, oh, "helmets"?

A: We do not believe we are risking crew. Keep in mind, we have a bare-headed rescue team standing by, just in case something completely unanticipated happens.

On the other hand, if NASA announces it is replacing the tiles with papier mache, and there is now a 99.9% chance of burn-up while moving to Pad 39-B on the Mobile Launcher Platform, but everyone in the vicinity is aware of the danger and has signed on, well, Andromeda will start mixing the flour and water.

Evaluating Risk

2006-06-23T18:15:00.000Z

Here at Andromeda, we understand risk. Why, just the other day, as we were putting on our flip-flops, we noticed the center toe masts had signs of wear. Naturally, we performed the required wind tunnel tests and reviewed data on the materials, as well as historical data showing failure frequency, severity and cause. Once that was all done, we were late for work, so we ran out the door. As we dashed across the street through heavy traffic, the completely unpredictable happened: the flip-flop broke and fell off! We turned around to get it, just as a fuel tanker was careening towards us and an unfortunately timed "Baby Carriage Parade" formed on the street corner. Hopefully, you are not like the police, going on and on, all about "who's to blame," blah, blah, blah, but you recognize the only important question is: Did we thoroughly study the risk? Yes, we did.

Similarly, the risk of foam liberation from the ice/frost ramps on the external tank has been thoroughly studied. Looking at 11 flights, Lockheed-Martin found a mere 12 foam losses believed to be due to delamination. NASA showed the "top ten" at the post-FRR press conference. The top ten ranged in mass from 0.022 pounds to 0.121 pounds. Happily, only one exceeded the "maximum expected debris limit" of 0.08 pounds. Hooray!

Now, there may be some silly people out there who ask, in their silly way, what "maximum expected debris limit" has to do with anything. Oh, you big sillies! It has nothing to do with anything. But talking about it shows only one instance in excess of it, so that's good. Of course, there's always the kooky, wild-eyed crazies, like the Marshall Space Flight Center Safety Engineering Review Panel, who insist on bringing "safety requirements" into this. Safety requirements? Who needs em? But just to humor those big dopes, what is the the safety requirement limit?

The safety requirement is believed to be more than an order of magnitude smaller than .08 lbm. (on the order of .004 lbm), but has not been fully defined and allocated down to the ET.

"On the order of 0.004 pounds"? Hmm, well, that would mean there have been a lot of foam loss events that exceed safety requirements, and it is certainly possible, then, in theory, that there could be such an event when Discovery is launched. But what type of loss event is reasonably possible?

MSFC Engineering has performed a similar assessment and has identified a potential loss of up to .2276 lbm (3 sigma) and more variability in the flight history data. MSFC Engineering has considered other tanks (not just SLWTs) in their analysis and has not concurred with the Lockheed Martin findings/approach.

You may ask, who should you believe? Lockheed-Martin who, as the manufacturer of the external tank, is completely unbiased and has studied only 11 tanks, or this "Marshall Space Flibberty Hoohaw" and their nonsensical 'three sigma' babble?

Well, if that is what you ask, then you just have not been following along. The only question is, did you study it, and did you discuss it? The only two questions.

Florida Today Catches Up With You

2006-06-23T16:51:00.000Z

You, the loyal and dedicated readers of Andromeda, already knew that NASA was jes' joshin' about the "Launch on Need" (LON) rescue mission by Atlantis (as STS-300) in the event Discovery (STS-121) is unable to return due to damage to its tiles from a foam hit. You knew that it was a mythical option since Tuesday. Now, Florida Today has teased an explicit admission out of NASA:

NASA could not fix a serious foam-shedding problem in time to launch a rescue mission if Discovery suffers severe damage during its July 1 launch, the agency's top safety officer said Wednesday.

But wait, then, why did Safety Office Bryan O'Connor and NASA Chief Engineer Christopher Scolese, who voted "NO GO," decide not to "lie in a flame trench" over this?

"Given the fact that we do have many options available to us to protect the crew and the orbiter, the (engineering) community is not against the decision to fly," Scolese said.

But what are the "many options"?

Discovery's astronauts could try to make repairs or stay on the station until a rescue mission could be launched.

Well, even Administrator Griffin called those repair capabilities rudimentary (pdf, page 36), and you just said the rescue mission could not be launched in time! And Contingency Shuttle Crew Support (CSCS) was the reason Scolese hand wrote (pdf, page 8) for not appealing the launch decision. Has everyone lost the capacity for logical thinking?

O'Connor said a decision to put another shuttle and another crew at risk would be a tough call.

"At the very least, there would be a big discussion about whether we are ready to go do that," he said. "But we would have people we would need to bring back. So I'm sure that would color our discussion as well."

A "tough call"? Let's just follow this line of thinking through. Nine people packed in the ISS based upon the third unanticipated serious foam strike in the last three missions. Previously, slow, methodical repairs resulted in failures. Previously, thorough testing still did not prevent the very failures they were testing for. And now, rushed repairs, with no testing, will send at least two more crew members up?

No Crew Risk

2006-06-22T23:02:00.000Z

Possible NASA Press Conference, Late July 2006.

Q: Mr. Griffin, Mr. Griffin!

A: Yes, you.

Q: Look, we all knew you were just kidding when you talked about "mitigation" of crew risk through tile repairs, and we had a good laugh when you talked about "launch on need" following yet another unanticipated foam strike. And I know I personally high-fived you for not mentioning the abort risks when you talked about ascent risk. But -- and I know this makes us look pretty stupid -- we actually believed you when you talked about CSCS. So my question is this. Are we stupid or what?

A: I wouldn't say that. I mean, who could have anticipated that doubling --

Q: Tripling --

Q: No, quadrupling --

A: OK, fine, whatever it is mathematically to go from a space station crew of two to a crew of 9 --

Q: That's 4-and-a-half times --

A: Thank you, but my point is, how would anyone know the increase in crew size would place any burden or stress on the station?

Q: Well, you know how long it took to fix the Elektron oxygen generator just last month.

A: So? That just means it's fixed, doesn't it? How could we possibly have known a month-old fix might fail again?

Q: But it failed before in 2004, for example, and in 2005 and was fixed, but still failed again last month. And the Vozdukh carbon dioxide scrubbers -- they just failed last year.

A: But you see --

Q: Didn't the Vozdukh also fail in 2002?

A: So why would we think --

Q: And in 2000?

A: But we knew the CDRAs in the American part --

Q: The system that failed in July 2002, September 2002, were out at least twice in November 2002?

A: Yes, that system --

Q: And again in 2003 and 2005?

A: Yes, yes, but why would anyone think it might possibly fail again? And anyway, the shuttle has carbon dioxide removal capability, and there's no reason to think that could ever fail.

Q: So the "Contingency Shuttle Crew Support" plan was to hope nothing went wrong for life support for 82 days, and to get two Soyuzes up and back before the air ran out?

A: Actually, CSCS was always tied to LON. We didn't really analyze what would happen if we couldn't find a solution to whatever went wrong with the first shuttle, test it, and retrofit, before air ran out at the station.

Q: Why aren't they using the new oxygen generation system they took up with them?

A: Oh, they will, they will, once it's installed.

Q: And how long will that take?

A: Oh, let's see, what time is it right now? Well, then it would be in a few months.

Q: With one Soyuz at the station, then, you just needed two more to get everybody down?

A: Exactly, exactly! They have an excellent record, 10 successful launches in 2003, 9 in 2004, and 11 in 2005. If the crew could just survive 60 to 80 days, we should be able to get them all back.

Q: Assuming nothing went wrong on the station?

A: That's right.

Q: But things did go wrong on the station, just as they have before.

A: (Puts on ruby slippers, clicks heels together) No crew risk, no crew risk!

What? Me, Worry?

2006-06-21T22:17:00.000Z

Let's review. Columbia burned up on re-entry due to an unanticipated foam strike. That was February 1, 2003. NASA grounds the shuttle, and works on the foam problem for over two years, tells everyone it's solved, and launches Discovery on July 26, 2005. A pound of foam tears off strikes the TPS (thermal protection system) and shuttles are grounded again.

On July 1, 2006, they say they'll be ready to fly again. On Saturday, it was just the insignificant safety and engineering departments that opposed flight. Now, we learn that, although JSC, KSC, and MSFC all signed on the dotted line, Marshall Space Flight Center had some dissent within its ranks. Luckily, it was only the Safety Engineering Review Panel. And oh yeah, the Propulsion Systems Engineering and Integration teams (combined) from Johnson Space Center, Kennedy Space Center and Marshall Space Flight Center.

On March 1, 2006, loud noises were heard on the barge shipping the tank, but no cause was ever found. On March 3, a technician working on Discovery's thermal tiles smashed a heat lamp, spraying glass shards all around. While cleaning that up, technicians crashed into Discovery's robot arm. NASA took a safety time out. But dinged the external tank a few days later anyway, knocking off foam.

If that wasn't enough, the crew patch is a thinly disguised anarchy symbol.

The Matrix

2006-06-20T22:22:00.000Z

As usual, the science-hungry blogging community has turned as one to Andromeda for a clear, concise explanation of NASA's "risk matrix" and the decision to fly STS-121. Well, if there's one thing we at Andromeda cannot stand, it's clamoring -- ceaseless, pitiful clamoring for our wisdom. If there's two things we can't stand, they're clamoring, and people who say "literally" when they mean "figuratively." And if there's three things we can't stand, they're clamoring, the "literally" thing, and genocide. And people who talk loud on their cell phones.

Flight Readiness Review, under the "new" new NASA, begins by gathering the entire team together and asking each to fill out a form, saying "GO" or "NO GO." Now, by defining the "team" broadly, NASA can create the impression that a "GO" decision is widely supported, because there were only two "NO GO" votes out of several dozen votes cast. Now, your carping critics like to say that this could be misleading, giving the impression of consensus if, for example, the laptop wrangler, the "Fuzzy Dice" tiger team, and the NASA Lunch Lady, okay flight, while the "Make Sure Nothing Explodes" team expresses reservations. Be that as it may, it is important that the two "NO" votes here were from teams in charge of relatively unimportant systems: the safety chief and NASA's chief engineer. Those were the only two votes against!

Bryan O'Connor, wearing the highly inflated title of "Chief of Safety and Mission Assurance," and Chris Scolese, who goes around calling himself, "NASA's Chief Engineer," rated the risk posed by the current configuration of the ice frost ramp as a "PROBABLE/CATASTROPHIC" threat. Yes, those words sound scary, but remember, you don't have to fly in the thing.

Now, look at the chart provided by this web site. It shows how easily the words "probable" and "catastrophic" can be misunderstood. "Probable" simply means "expected in the life of the program." Well, foam loss around the ice ramp has already happened a few times, so you gotta START at "probable" on this crazy matrix. And then the word "catastrophic" also has a kooky definition: "Hazard could result in a mishap causing fatal injury to personnel and/or loss of one or more major elements of the flight vehicle or ground facility." That's COULD result in a mishap. And the loss of just ONE major element of the flight vehicle OR the ground facility triggers this confusing little word. So, if you translate these words into layman's language, "probable catastrophic" just means "something bad might happen." And keep in mind, only two members of the Flight Readiness Review said that!

The important thing to remember is NASA's lost only two vehicles in over 100 flights. To put that in real terms, imagine you drive to work 250 times a year. Would you have any reluctance at all about getting into your car each morning if you knew it was only going to blow up killing everyone inside once every fifty or sixty drives? Of course not. Well, what if you were only going to drive that car 16 more times? And what if you planned to fix the problem before you've driven it even three or four more times? Obviously, that lowers the odds considerably, any statistician will tell you that.

As Wayne Hale explained (pdf), the important thing is not whether it was a good decision, or whether wise counsel was actually followed, but whether lots and lots of people got to ask questions:

"We had everyone engaged. It was a huge room full of people. I think that room holds about 250 people. It was full. There was overflow rooms provided, and I think we answered questions from all comers.

NASA Administrator Mike Griffin said the same thing at that press conference:

The discussion that you heard earlier about that since the day I walked into this position, I have said that we need to regain a culture of openness and a culture of willingness to engage in technical discussion on the merits without it having an adversarial component to it. We did that. If there was anybody in that room who didn't get to have their say, you are going to have to search them out because it was a great two days.

Everyone talked, and since others were nearby it's reasonable to assume everyone was listened to.

But the question the blogging community keeps pestering us about, strangely, is not, "Was it a good discussion?" but "Is there crew risk?" Mike Griffin answered that question categorically, "No, there is only programmatic risk." But can the crew be killed by programmatic risk? Absolutely not! Not anymore. With the new new NASA.

To begin with, the foam projectile problem is not an ascent risk. That foam may blow huge holes in the shuttle thermal protection system, but come on, this is a freaking huge rocket and ascent is not the problem.

So what if the TPS is shot to hell on ascent and the shuttle has no chance of re-entry? (a) the crew has practiced tile repair techniques; (2) there is a rescue option in the "Launch On Need" shuttle; and (3) the crew can hold out in the International Space Station for quite a while.

But wait, you say, Griffin himself later in the same press conference described those repair capabilities as "rudimentary," saying merely that "we are beginning to converge on some rudimentary repair methods that may be useful." Well, it's true the repair option isn't really much of an option at all. But luckily, there's old reliable "Launch on Need":

"OK, Atlantis, it looks like we're gonna have to use you as launch on need."
"Huh. Why is that?"
"Well, Discovery's TPS literally got shredded on ascent."
"Huh. Didn't you say that wouldn't happen?"
"Yep, but it did anyway, how about that?"
"Well, why won't that happen to us?"
"Our analysis shows it won't happen. Only the chief engineer and the safety dude disagree. Everyone else is on board. Literally."

So with no real repair capability, and the LON an equally mythical option, there's still the option of holing up in the ISS. In other words, the principal strategy for the next mission is to cross our fingers. (It worked for the ECO sensor problem on the last flight.)

Gay Marriage and YOU

2006-06-13T05:10:00.000Z

As the darkening clouds of gay marriage gather on the horizon, the U.S. Senate has faltered, failing us again, leaving the country exposed to these rampaging marauders. Andromeda presents this thoughtful guide to help you through these troubled times.

What IS this gay marriage anyway?

Good question, Timmy. It is the greatest, gravest danger to America and to the American way of life which the country has ever faced. By changing the definition of marriage, these invading hordes are attacking America's greatest weakness: the ability to remember the definitions of words.

What can I do? I'm just one man!

Stay that way. That's the first thing. Second, if you have a strong stomach, why don't you try heterosexual sex? Or talk to your friends and neighbors about heterosexual sex. Try to explain to them its good points.

Well, I like heterosexual sex, Andromeda! So am I OK?

No, you're not, Timmy, you're not OK. Sadly, many young men and women are like you and think they're just fine, because they are having heterosexual sex. Lots and lots of dirty, wet, delicious heterosexual sex. But they could not be more wrong.

Couldn't they be more wrong if they believed Jesus got married, had a kid and His descendants still live today?

No. The most wrong they could be is if they believed they're OK, just because they like heterosexual sex.

So what's wrong with them thinking that?

I'll tell you, Timmy. The only thing good about heterosexual sex is that it's procreative. Non-procreative sex makes Jesus cry. Are you happy now? With all your pestering questions, Timmy, you just made Jesus cry!

I'm sorry, Andy. So you're saying non-ovulating women can't have sex at all? And men with er-er-erectile dys-dys --

No, Jimmy, that's why God created Viagra.

My name is Timmy.

You're forgetting the big picture, Jimmy, which is that God only approves of guilty sex where both partners get it over as quickly as possible, with as little pleasure for the woman as possible ... hiding their nakedness and shame in the darkness ... wearing burqas and masks ... maybe a cowboy hat, and some holsters and shiny six-guns, yelling, "Hi-ho, Silver!" But the point is, if men and women are allowed to have pleasure during sex, then men will be allowed to have pleasure during sex, and women will be allowed to have pleasure during sex, and who knows where it will stop?

Top Ten Reasons Al Gore Should Run For President

2006-06-07T23:55:00.000Z

10. Because he was right about the internet, right about global warming, right about the war, and right about Howard Dean and ... well, he was right about the internet, global warming, and the war.

9. The last time he ran for President, the campaign paid for a spiffy new cart for rolling his luggage through airports, but it's getting pretty worn and he could use a new one.

8. After all these bitter, divisive years of war, staggering budget deficits, obscene tax cuts for the rich, and the cynical exploitation of issues such as gay marriage and flag-burning, the country needs a President who will only talk about issues no one cares about, like global warming.

7. If he becomes President, he'll get access to all those NSA records and he can finally find out what Tipper was saying that time she was talking to her friend on the phone and kept looking at him and laughing. She said it wasn't about his beard, but the next time he saw her friend the first thing she said was, "Oh, Al, I love your beard!" Yeah, right, that's what you say to my face.

6. If Bush could use the Homeland Security alert system to get himself re-elected, then surely Gore, as President, can use it to clear the streets when he orders pizza.

5. By flipping the "reverse" switch on the NSA spying system, he can force the entire country to hear his global warming lecture every time they pick up the phone.

4. Once he announces the U.S. will again be a cooperative member of the world community, he'll be able to travel abroad without the Canadian flag sticker on his backpack.

3. After following his advice to invest in the heretofore little-known company, Amalgamated Daffodil Abatement, all his friends will make Cheney-sized killings in the market when he announces his plan to require all cars to run on happiness and sunshine, with daffodils as exhaust.

2. The election of Al Gore to the Presidency will finally force The Daily Howler to stop picking on poor Frank Rich, whose only crime is columnizing the best way a millionaire scribe can, with his limited finances. And limited intellectual resources. And limited researching skills. And limited editorial judgment.

1. Al Gore should run for President because this time he won't have to waste all that time talking to the "people," as he's heard the Supreme Court just loves drowning polar bear cartoons.

The Andromeda Interview: Global Warming

2006-06-06T21:39:00.000Z

Andy: Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Global Warming: I think it's just your imagination.

Andy: OK, first hard-hitting question. Why didn't the "new Al Gore" campaign in 2000?

Global Warming: I don't know what you're talking about.

Andy: Are you saying you feel Al Gore hasn't changed, only the media "narrative" has changed?

Global Warming: Um, no. I don't believe in Al Gore. I realize that many "Gorologists" claim he exists, but call me a skeptic.

Andy: You did finger-quotes for "Gorologists," but not for "skeptics," even though you said that's what we should call you. Are you using finger quotes "correctly"?

Global Warming: Look we have some serious issues to talk about here. This is a planetary emergency, don't you care about that?

Andy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's always catastrophe this, and emergency that with you guys, so I gotta stop driving my S.U.V. on my pony on my boat. I think if it really was an emergency, President Bush would be on vacation right now, and if it really was a catastrophe, somebody would be receiving a Medal of Freedom, and since neither of those is happening, isn't it true you're just blowing a lot of hot air?

Global Warming: Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?

Andy: Global Warming a joke? You admit it!

Global Warming: No, I don't admit it. The end of civilisation, a joke? I don't think so.

Andy: And then something about Los Angeles.

Global Warming: What?

Andy: After you say "the end of civilization," you say "like Los Angeles" or something like that.

Global Warming: Can't we get back to the subject at hand? Greenhouse gases are increasing, the annual average temperature of the atmosphere near the surface of the Earth is skyrocketing, it may already be too late!

Andy: Yes, you're right, back to the subject at hand. Watching "An Inconvenient Truth," I was deeply moved by something, something I suspect a lot of people noticed: Al Gore's bald spot seems to have disappeared.

Global Warming: What?

Andy: Yeah, I know. How could that happen? Is it like the hole in the ozone?

Global Warming: You're an idiot. Your planet deserves to die.

Andy: Well, thank you for sitting down to talk with us, Global Warming. Everyone, be sure and pick up Global Warming's new book, "Does Al Gore Really Exist, or Was He Just a Weather Balloon?"

Guest Blogger: George W. Bush

2006-04-29T04:11:00.000Z

Guest blogger: George W. Bush

The President wanted to respond to Neil Young's terribly, terribly accurate attack on a high, high, high-volume blog, so Andromeda graciously decided to give him this valuable real estate:

Sweet Home, The White House

Well, I heard Mister Young sing about me,
Well, I heard ole Neil put me down,
Well, I hope Neil Young will remember,
The President don't need him around anyhow.

Sweet home, the White House!
Where the skies are so blue!
Sweet home, the White House!
Lord, I'm never leavin' you!

Ole Neil Young, well, he's Canadian.
So from this land they'll soon be barred --
Then they'll be worse off than a Cajun
After I cancel his FEMA MasterCard.

In all o' Texas, they love the President --
In New Orleans, well, OK, not so much,
I guess it all depends on what you're sent:
Exxon exec paycheck, or levee breach.

Sweet home, the White House!
Where we only told the truth!
Sweet home, the White House!
Helen Thomas is the flower of youth!
(Sure, that's the truth!)

Now, I can't lower prices with a magic wand,
But ole Neil Young, don't you think I'd do
Whatever I could to hurt an oil friend
Like the Saudi King, Abdullah bin Abdul.
(Abdulaziz!)

Neil Young, I spied on your MacBook,
Yes, I intercepted your telephone,
I changed your picture to a preop,
She fought in a war -- and now she's home!

Sweet home, the White House!
Better than the National Guard!
Sweet home, the White House!
Drunk all day, so my life is hard.
(OK, about the same as the National Guard!)

George W.

Shock! Scandal!

2006-03-13T22:33:00.000Z

As regular readers know, Mount Palomar (Observatory 644) offered three newly discovered observations of 2004 VD17 in the March 12, 2006 Daily Update -- three new observations from February 16, 2002. Well, they found two more from February 16, 2002 and three others from March 14 and 15, 2002 which appeared in the March 13, 2006 Daily Update. And, over the weekend, the Horizons System (telnet) included those observations and completely changed the Close Approach calculations.

But today -- JPL finally updated their Impact Risk page for 2004 VD17, and did not include the 2002 observations from Palomar! Moreover, those observations have been deleted from the Horizons System calculations:

Soln.date: 2006-Mar-13_09:00:08 # obs: 709 (2004-2006)

Oh, snap! Palomar kicked to the curb! The NEODyS object home page also gives a 2004 date of first observation.

Will Palomar take this lying down? Or will JPL have to give them a serious smackdown this time? Stayed tuned, readers, as Andromeda will provide full and detailed coverage of every hair-pull, every nail-scratch, and every tooth-bite in the epic struggle to determine whether an asteroid is coming straight for us. In 96 years. Possibly. And not "straight" exactly. Except in the sense that an orbit is a straight line in the curved spacetime of a gravitational field. But even then it does quite a few orbits before 2102. But in a sense that repeated elliptical path is still a straight line. And then there's precession. But the point is, Andromeda blog continues to lead in the coverage of astronomical doomsday scandals.

The End of 2004 VD17

2006-03-12T18:33:00.000Z

You will see the latest Daily Update has "new" observations for 2004 VD17, the asteroid previously scheduled to (possibly) hit Earth on May 4, 2102. The new observations are actually old -- from two years before 2004 VD17 was discovered. Somebody at Mount Palomar was digging through some old photos. ("And this one is my mom and dad at Hoover Dam -- hey, hold on a second, what's that asteroid doing back there?") By adding these three newly discovered February 16, 2002 observations to the hundreds from 2004 to 2006, the calculated orbit completely changes.

Close-approach results:

        Date (CT)       Body   CA Dist  MinDist  MaxDist   Vrel  TCA3Sg  Nsigs  P_i/p
----------------------  -----  -------  -------  -------  ------ ------ ------ -------
A.D. 2004 Nov 02.23669  Earth  .089506  .089505  .089506  15.549   0.05 5.90E5 .000000
A.D. 2032 May 01.93478  Earth  .021131  .021033  .021230  18.859   7.96 22961. .000000
A.D. 2041 Nov 07.65027  Earth  .012405  .011943  .012867  17.863  36.85 61563. .000000
A.D. 2067 May 04.88905  Earth  .018354  .001934  .035250  17.700 1390.6 14697. .000000
A.D. 2076 Nov 04.03585  Earth  .071671  .003518  .188363  16.094 9108.9 88649. .000000
A.D. 2111 Nov 09.62088  Earth  .013059  .004200  .400893  17.870 19837. 1.07E5 .000000

These are the new calculations from JPL. (Impact risk calculations have not been updated yet.) No close approach in 2102 at all, and all showing zero probability of impact. How sure are we 2004 VD17 was what the Palomar folks found on their old photos? Good question.

But an even better question is: Why was this information hidden from us until now -- and what else are they hiding?

Democrats Should Launch A Preemptive Attack Against Iran

2006-03-08T00:28:00.000Z

The Rolling Stone argues Democrats are going to suffer a repeat of 2002, as Rove, et al., use national security as a wedge issue, by kicking off a crisis with Iran. Andromeda has obtained an advance copy of the simple force resolution which will be used:

Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that.

The Democrats will be forced, then, by their weak-kneed, limp-wristed base, to vote against our troops, thereby guaranteeing that Rove won't have to use Plan B (The Diebold Option)...again.

But what can be done to prevent this? Only one thing: thermonuclear war.

It's true the Democrats do not currently possess much of a nuclear arsenal, but how hard could it be to get one? The Bush Administration has completely ignored North Korea and practically encouraged Pakistan's A.Q. Khan, so the Democrats should be able to pick up a few megatons in no time. The most difficult thing will be finding one of those giant screens for showing the missiles headed toward Tehran. And some sort of countdown clock in the corner. A rotating "emergency light" or two, and they're ready to go.

Being against war means not being elected. The choice is clear.

The Coming Storm

2006-03-07T16:51:00.000Z

Yes, the latest observations show the probability of 2004 VD17 impacting Earth skyrocketing further -- from 0.075% to 0.076%. But that's not for 96 years, and we've got an even more imminent disaster from space looming.

In a very short time, possibly enough time to get your affairs in order, the sun will explode -- yes, explode -- in another cycle of solar activity. This round could be 30-50% greater than the last cycle. What could this mean?

Continent-wide power outages such as happened in Quebec.

Astronauts spontaneously combusting.

Passengers on short commuter flights receiving dosages of radiation equivalent to three weeks in a microwave.

The heating and thermal expansion of the upper atmosphere, causing satellite orbits to deteriorate, raining satellite parts down upon 80% of the Earth's surface.

Of course, 30-50% increase over the last cycle may not mean so much if the last cycle was unusually weak. Hmm, that's exactly what NCAR's little graph shows. It also shows the predicted horror is actually not even the most active solar cycle in the last fifty years. And then there's the fact that this is a new method of predicting highly unpredictable solar cycles, and it has a very large margin of error.

But look at all the things that could happen!

Worse and Worse: 2004 VD17

2006-03-06T16:49:00.000Z

Well, more observations are in and the probability of deadly impact decades after you die are steadily increasing. On Friday, JPL said the probability of a miss was only 99.929%, but now those odds have dropped even further, plummeting all the way down to 99.925%!

The Swift-Boating of Andromeda Galaxy

2006-03-05T18:51:00.000Z

This seemingly unending string of attacks against Andromeda Galaxy by your puny human scientists can only be a Karl Rove-inspired hatchet job. First, it was adding stars to the Milky Way's total, and then it was adding dark matter to claim the Milky Way is more massive than Andromeda.

Now, your tiny human brains have conceived the notion that Andromeda's stellar halo is metal-poor. Yes, it's true the Milky Way's stellar halo has long been known to be metal-poor, but why must you drag the bling-blingiest galaxy down to your level? The principal author attempts to get back on our good side by populating his web pages with admissions that the Andromeda Galaxy is "magnificent," but we cannot ignore his attempts to deny Andromeda's metal-richness by velocity-windowing out the metal-rich components, and then explaining away metal-rich halo fields which remain ("This substructure is likely to be associated with the giant southern stream").

All this effort is only necessary in order to support the Cold Dark Matter paradigm. So once again "dark matter" makes its invisible appearance.

Update: 2004 VD17

2006-03-05T17:05:00.000Z

The conspiracy to not update the JPL or NEODyS public Impact Risk calculations continues. Although the latest Daily Orbit Update has three new observations for 2004 VD17, which were published about 10 hours ago, neither site has updated their information. But we at Andromeda expose their secrets: according to Horizons (telnet) the May 5, 2102 approach has a minimum distance of 0.000015, down from 0.000016, resulting in a brand new Palermo scale rating of -- gasp! -- about the same. Why, oh, why do the government leaders keep this information from us?

By the way, the current calculations show a nominal close-approach distance of just 281,393 kilometers (174,850 miles). The Moon is 384,403 kilometers (238,857 miles) from Earth. Assuming in 96 years, humans have finally established regular traffic to the Moon, you can expect significant rubber-necking delays on your way in to work that morning.

Andromeda: The Action Blog!

2006-03-03T18:04:00.000Z

Well, that didn't take long. JPL has finally updated their Impact Risk page. The Palermo Scale rating has increased from -0.33 to -0.28! Duck!

Obviously, Andromeda Blog is the go-to blog for top JPL scientists. And no doubt, as dawn comes to Italy, the NEODyS folks will drop their morning copy of Andromeda Blog and run to their computers to finally admit the horrifying truth that the (possible, future) danger to Earth has increased dramatically (although not "significantly" ... or "meaningfully").

Expose! Conspiracy of Silence in the Face of Impending Doom!

2006-03-03T17:25:00.000Z

Step closer to the blog, little readers, we've got some news that must remain just between us. 2004 VD17 is going to crash into the Earth! Possibly! In 96 years! Maybe! But the gubmint doesn't want you to know that. That is why neither the NEODyS folks nor the JPL people are updating their impact calculations. Yes, that's right, new observations from yesterday and today have not been used for impact calculations even as of right now (17:30 UT). Compare the 740 observations in the NEODyS Object Home Page to the 735 observations in the NEODyS Impact Risk page. The Daily Updates come out at 7:30 UT -- plenty of time for the calculations to have been redone for both NEODyS and JPL.

JPL has also updated their calculations -- other than their public "Impact Risk" calculations -- showing a minimum distance of 0.000020 AU yesterday, and 0.000016 AU today with the new observations. Telnet to telnet://horizons.jpl.nasa.gov:6775/ and see for yourself.

Whose Is Bigger?

2006-02-23T18:21:00.001Z

We here at Andromeda Blog suspect there's more than a little "home cooking" in the latest claims that -- somehow -- the Milky Way galaxy is bigger than Andromeda. Yesterday's story conveniently adding a billion stars to the Milky Way's total out of "thin air," i.e., hot gas, fits perfectly with the even crazier story that the Milky Way is bigger than Andromeda -- even though Andromeda has many more stars -- due to this mythical, magical "dark matter."

Regular readers know "dark matter" is simply the term fancy-schmancy scientists use for "thumb on the scale." Their poor mathematics and measurements, their tiny little brains, and their crinkled forepaws, lead your puny human scientists to the conclusion that 2+2=5, so they add 1 unit of dark matter to prove their math is right. That was fine, when it didn't affect allocation of the Universe's tax revenues, but now your Earth scientists are making a grab for a bigger haul, by actually claiming the Milky Way is bigger than Andromeda and that, my little-brained little friends, is going too far.

New Measurements for 2004 VD17

2006-02-23T18:21:00.000Z

The latest Daily Orbit Update from MPEC has new measurements for 2004 VD17, but still NEODyS has not updated, but -- oh, my, God! -- JPL now has it at 2 on the Torino scale.

The end of the world is at hand! Or, at least, in 96 years, there is a not-quite-zero possibility an object will have some sort of impact with Earth. Pull down your pants and scream, pour mustard on your head and yodel, wear your shoes on your head and your gloves on your feet -- it's time to panic.

It's About Time

2006-02-17T22:49:00.000Z

What was he thinking? It was completely indefensible to wait day after day without saying it, but finally he has apologized. Yet the wait continues for Saddam's apology to the Bush Administration (for not having weapons of mass destruction). And who knows when those Katrina survivors will finally apologize for all the inconvenience they have caused the President?

David Blaine -- Your Magic Is Real

2006-02-09T06:25:00.000Z

As the most vocal, influential, and prestigious science blog to support the ideas of Alex Mayer (no link available), we are deeply disappointed and saddened to see the blinkered, pig-ignorant, Big Bang idolators, dogmatists, and doctrinarians at Stanford have not only taken down his site, but deleted his name from their listing of "Visiting Scholars." There's the end of that little visit. Just goes to show, if you don't parrot the party line in the science biz, they'll crush you like a freakin' Periplaneta americana. No matter that their precious Big Bang theory is hanging together with duct tape and baling wire, no, all that matters is that the global megacorporations keep the masses somnolent with the Big Bang fairy tale. Well, you can all go back to sleep now, that big, bad monster "gravitational transverse redshift" is all gone.

May 4, 2102 -- Armageddon

2006-02-08T01:30:00.000Z

Eek! A Palermo Scale rating of -0.57 just appeared on the Risk Page for 2004 VD 17. That's Torino Scale 1. If you were just born now, you've only got 96 years to live. Assuming it hits. Which is unlikely, because even Torino Scale 1 is extremely low risk.

Oh, no! Run around in circles! The Italians have 729 observations in their calculation (JPL only has 681), but the Italians are rating it Torino Scale 2. We're all gonna die!

Which, I guess, we already knew.

Geometry of Time

2006-02-06T21:43:00.000Z

Countless readers have written in to demand an explanation of Alexander Mayer's theory that time has a local direction, such that past calculations of red-shifts were fundamentally in error. In response, we say, "What do you mean 'demand'? Is that supposed to be some kind of threat? As the Iranians said to George W. Bush: You and whose army?"

We answer only out of an excess of generosity of spirit, brought on no doubt by all the holiday decorations, as the local porn shops gear up for Valentine's Day. The key to understanding this is to think in four dimensions. That is, the dimensions of space, plus the one dimension of time. But then have more dimensions of time. But these new dimensions are not orthogonal to the first. Or to the space dimensions. No, wait, they are orthogonal to ordinary space, but not to each other. They are pointed out from the surface of spacetime, but since spacetime is curved, they could point in lots of different directions. Indeed, as you follow these time arrows around the Universe, they end up pointing completely around 360 degrees, because the Universe is finite yet unbounded, i.e., in curved (Riemannian) space. To put this another way, everything old is new again. Or the first shall be last, and the last shall be first. Or the big wheel keeps on turnin, and Proud Mary keeps on burnin.

By this means, naturally, we find there was no "Big Bang" but that the Universe has always existed, due to the nature of time. Now, we will answer some specific questions:

1. Could I be my own grandfather?

ANSWER: Well, how attracted are you to your grandmother?

2. I mean, can the great paradoxes of time be resolved?

ANSWER: Yes, once one sees that time itself has multiple directions, one sees time travel is easily achieved, but since time is locally distinct, time travel does require travel in 3-dimensional space. Since this takes time, and requires packing, it would not be possible to go back in time and shoot Captain Kirk before he shoots John Wilkes Booth and returns through the time warp.

3. Seriously?

ANSWER: No. Such contradictions are freely allowed and are currently being exploited by the future you. That bastard. Oh, damn, I just got a scar from where you shot me as an infant! Damn! You just read that your first shot did not kill me!

4. Is the finite, unbound Universe round?

ANSWER: No. It looks more like a mani-dimensional crazy straw. But tell me more about your grandmother.

Multiple Dimensions of Time

2006-02-05T22:09:00.000Z

Readers have been clamoring for Andromeda's comments on the "new" theory by Alex Mayer that time is "a local geometric distinction" in the manifold of spacetime. Ordinarily, Andromeda maliciously ignores the urgent pleas of the bleating masses like yourself, but, this one time, it will make an exception.

First, the theory is exactly correct. Time is a strictly local measurable quantity. All of the implications that follow are exactly as he says with one exception. The dinosaurs were NOT wiped out in a periodic cooling when Earth turned into a snowball. No, they were undone by the Siren call of Health Savings Accounts, which led to the rapid collapse of the dinosaur health insurance and healthcare industries. Also the dinosaur prescription drug plan proved both incomprehensible and capable of bankrupting both the government and the patients trying to use the benefit, leaving only the dinosaur pharmaceutical industry which roamed the Earth looking for dinosaurs to overcharge, until finally it transformed back into the crude sludge from which it came.

But the point is there was no "Big Bang" and the distant galaxies we see are much older than you had previously believed. This is due to the mis-calculation of ages, owing to incorrect assumptions about red-shifts. Based on this new theory, we can now say conclusively that Madonna, for instance, is in her late sixties.

Water in Martian Dirt (WMD)

2006-01-30T19:06:00.000Z

The U.S., having given Mars repeated opportunities to prove it has no WMD, is preparing to launch a weaponized space vehicle into Mars orbit, where it will fire a copper projectile at Mars, exploding a thirty-foot crater targeting Martian command-and-control.

Amazing Psychic Powers

2006-01-27T16:13:00.000Z

The Italians have already updated their calculations for 2006 BQ6 based on three new observations, and the Palermo Scale is now just 2.78. Proving Andromeda has amazing psychic powers because using our awesome telekinetic abilities we moved the asteroid with our mind!

And we WILL move that asteroid right back -- unless humanity agrees to renounce coercive violence as a form of conflict resolution. Or Ben & Jerry's introduces an Andromeda-themed ice cream.

2006 BQ6

2006-01-27T06:12:00.000Z

The end of the world! A new top Palermo Scale Near-Earth Object, 2006 BQ6, has just shown up on the JPL Risk page at a Palermo Scale rating of 1.12 (max). The Torino Scale is still 0 because the potential for impact is only 6.2e-06, a couple of orders of magnitude less than Apophis (but 2006 BQ6 weighs in slightly heftier at a diameter of .413 km). Only 42 observations over about 4 days, so the usual pattern is for this to drop off the bottom of the chart after a couple of days. But otherwise it's hitting the Earth on July 31, 2006.

But how do the Italians calculate it? Palermo Scale for the same 42 observations, for the same date, July 31, 2006 is 1.74. Well, that's not as exciting as 1.12, but, hey, it's respectable.

The Constitution and You

2006-01-26T19:40:00.000Z

As a public service, Andromeda presents its analysis of one of the core issues surrounding the Terrorism Surveillance Program.

ISSUE PRESENTED: Does the Constitution apply during a time of "war"?

SUMMARY RESPONSE: No. But what do you mean by asking the question in the first place? And why did you put quotes around "war"? Oops, I did it myself!

ANALYSIS: During a time of war, the government must issue regular reminders and increasingly dire warnings about how dangerous things are. For unknown reasons, this is generally followed by a sense of fear and uncertainty among the population. Once the population is thoroughly worked up, it is crucial that the President claim as much power as possible, with as few restrictions as possible. Anyone questioning those claims is giving comfort to the enemy, so don't question it.

At this point, the Congress must decide if it's going to become irrelevant, or else issue a broad unlimited authorization to the President. The President will then announce that it is far broader than the extremely broad authorization that it is, and then he will secretly do many things under his interpretation of the authorization.

Because the President's actions are secret, they will not be tested. If they are revealed, anyone challenging them will be declared an enemy non-combatant and detained secretly and indefinitely without charges or a lawyer. The politicians will approve the President's actions after the fact, rather than be blamed by the President for possibly not protecting the public he frightened from possible dangers. Litigants will be intimidated, and judges will be cowed. And so the Constitution will not be applied. That is, the Constitution won't apply.

Breakin' the Law

2006-01-25T22:45:00.000Z

"if I wanted to break the law, why was I briefing Congress?"

"The Bush Administration has refused invitations for Chief of Staff Card, Joe Hagin, and others to testify before the oversight congressional committees investigating the government's response to Hurricane Katrina, causing the ranking Democrat on the Senate committee, Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT), to describe the White House as providing 'a near total lack of cooperation. . .'"

America Imperiled

2006-01-24T18:44:00.000Z

The grave risks of spies in America -- communicating with and working for foreigners -- doing everything they can to destroy this country -- is a danger so frightening, so great, and, most importantly, so new and so unheard-of, that Bush's warrantless spying is surely justified -- no: absolutely necessary.

Certainly, at the time the Fourth Amendment was demanded by the States, the people of the United States had no conception of the kind of danger such spies pose, they were far too foolish and naive to even grasp what we face today, and if they knew such horrors, fears, terrors as we know, they would have agreed that Americans could be spied on without probable cause.

Imagine, for example, if they had lived in a fledgling country, whose very existence was in doubt from day to day, and their enemies lived among them:

Loyalists came from all social, ethnic and economic classes of society, and were therefore able to mingle and interact easily in the countryside, under the guise of being Rebels themselves.

In addition to acting as spies, several prominent Loyalists ran intelligence networks. Cortland Skinner, the commander of the New Jersey Volunteers, directed an elaborate spy web in New Jersey from his headquarters on Staten Island.

If only the people who insisted on the Fourth Amendment had known such awful fear, uncertainty and dread as we have today, having a tiny percentage of the country consisting of people determined to destroy that country:

Loyalists made up at least one fourth of Americans. When a Loyalist spy sent a written warning of the imminent American attack, the Hessian in charge at Trenton tucked the note in his vest pocket and continued playing cards.

(Sorry, the last part of that quote was from the 9-11 Commission Report -- it's supposed to say "Bush" instead of "Hessian.") Certainly, there would be no Fourth Amendment at all if having the enemy in their midst had been "commonplace" during the time the Bill of Rights was adopted:

Espionage and counterespionage were as commonplace during the 18th century as they were in the 20th century during the Cold War. During the Revolutionary War, spies for both England and America obtained and transmitted information about troop movement, supplies, fortifications, and political maneuvers. Loyalists in America (or Tories as they were often called) were happy to provide secret information to the Crown....

The dangers Americans face to day are nothing like those the country faced at its founding. Clearly, the Fourth Amendment's warrant requirement can be ignored.

Calculations For The Coming War

2006-01-22T18:24:00.000Z

How do the wise men calculate their 3,000 American dead in an invasion of Iran? Or 10,000,000 to 100,000,000 total dead in the Middle East in the next two decades? How do they mark up a chalkboard and make the unthinkable so thinkable? Well, it's quite easy.

The simple key is to remove yourself from the facts. Instead, use possible facts. It turns out possible facts are much more malleable than old-fashioned, regular facts. And much scarier:

"What if they already have nukes? That is the question, the answer to which reduces all of the viable options to one: take them out now."

Yes, if Iran has nukes, and it is willing to face the consequences of massive retaliation for any nuke that falls into the hands of terrorists, and it is willing to give up a nuke to some unreliable group when it has so few, and the terrorists manage to use the weapon, and they wouldn't have already been able to get the weapon anyway from all the unprotected leftovers of the Soviet Union, well, then we absolutely must attack immediately and devastatingly.

The dialecticians among you may notice this method of reasoning would apply equally for attacking anyone. That is what is so neat about it! What if the Swiss have a secret army of killer robots? Well, we can hardly wait for them to turn the robots on, when a few hundred nukes in a grid pattern over Bern right now will allow us all to sleep peacefully, knowing we will not wake in the middle of the night with steel claws clamped around our throats, staring into the evil red beam of their robotic eyes sliding back and forth with perfect Swiss timing.

Good God! Why are we even talking about Iran? The Swiss may be poised to strike!

U.S. Fires Nuclear Device At Pluto

2006-01-18T20:56:00.000Z

As the peaceful Plutonians groom their icy fields, raise their icy children, and worship their icy gods, far away the people of the blue planet searched the Solar System for the smallest, meekest, most defenseless planet, and fired a nuclear-tipped rocket at it. Initially flummoxed by gentle breezes and delicate clouds, Earth's fastest rocket finally launched, and will reach Pluto in just nine years. Let that teach you, planet-pretending Kuyper-object Pluto!

Test Your Patriotism

2006-01-18T00:40:00.000Z

President Bush said recently:

The American people know the difference between responsible and irresponsible debate when they see it. They know the difference between honest critics who question the way the war is being prosecuted and partisan critics who claim that we acted in Iraq because of oil, or because of Israel, or because we misled the American people. And they know the difference between a loyal opposition that points out what is wrong, and defeatists who refuse to see that anything is right.

But is anything the President says true? That is, do the American people know the difference between "a debate that brings credit to our democracy" and one that gives "comfort to our adversaries"? This quiz will both test that assumption and, hopefully, perform the patriotic service of helping Americans know what they can and cannot say.

Mark the following as "credit to democracy" or "comfort to adversaries":

Asking, "is anything the President says true?"
Pointing out there is oil in Iraq.
Pointing out there is oil in Iraq, and none in North Korea.
Pointing out there is oil in Iraq, none in North Korea, and lots and lots more of that oh, so, delicious oil, in Iran.
Revealing an illegal domestic spying program to the press, at great harm to the President's political standing.
Revealing the identity of covert CIA agent to the press, in an idiotic attempt to protect the President from great harm to his political standing.
Filing a lawsuit complaining of illegal wiretapping.
Failing to voluntarily wiretap yourself.
Calling for a government of "laws not men" supported by "checks and balances"
Al Gore
Jack Abramof, Tom Delay, Bob Ney, Bill Frist
Mentioning Jack Abramof, Tom Delay, Bob Ney, Bill Frist as a group

ANSWER KEY: If any answer was given to 1-12, you have given "Comfort to adversaries." Patriots do not question things. Assuming answers were given, score as follows: 1. CTA. 2. CTD -- we need to know where the oil is. 3. CTD -- we need to know where it isn't. 4. CTD -- we need to know where lots and lots of that oh, so, delicious oil is. 5. CTA -- People don't need to know these things. 6. CTD -- People need to know these things. 7. CTA -- This will only force the Executive Branch to ignore the Judiciary Branch, and it's hard enough just ignoring the Legislative Branch. 8. CTA -- wiretapping yourself is patriotic, provided the microphone is placed in a manner consistent with Leviticus. 9. CTA -- first, this kind of talk threatens the "plenary" power of the Commander-in-Chief; second, these requirements would make building a democracy in Iraq very difficult. 10. Extremely CTA. 11. CTD -- a great bunch of guys. 12. CTA.

Give Me Liberty Or Give Me ... Well, Let's Think About This

2006-01-16T23:56:00.000Z

Would you fight for liberty?
Well, she won't fight for thee.
When you sally battleward,
She dallies under a tree.

When you grab her by the collar
And drag her to the lines,
Where you shove a rifle at her --
She falls to her knees and whines.

Liberty's not heroic,
Brave or brawny or bold,
She won't stand up for you
Or shelter you when you're old.

No, she lays around imperiled,
Invites her enemies home --
She lets them draw their blades out
And helps them whet the stone.

You rush inside to shield her,
From knives pressed to her neck,
Knock them safely to the floor,
But then she gives them back.

And finally you must save her
From endangering herself
In wiretaps you wrap her
And lock her in a cell.

Wiretapped and chained, she'll die there,
Because Liberty must be free.
The price for her life is hazard,
As they say, freedom isn't free.

Now will you fight for Liberty
When she can't fight for thee?
You've nothing to lose but your wiretaps,
And your complacency.

Rather Large Foot Secrecy

2006-01-09T23:50:00.000Z

The news from the White House today sent a shiver down our collective spine here at Andromeda:

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, and as I just pointed out, his doctors and the Vice President's Office provide information in an appropriate way. And I'm sure that they will continue to. I would direct those questions to his office, because what they can do is check with his doctors and check with the Vice President and then provide that information to you all.

Q But there's a rather large foot secrecy going on here -- (laughter) -- considering the Vice President's left appendage and we're just curious as to --

It is only after lengthy deliberations, with due consideration for national security, balanced against our fiery patriotism, that we decided we could, nay, we must, reveal this SCI/SI-level secret -- the highest level of security clearance (as far as you know) -- even if it brings down the Republic.

And here it is: The Cheney Administration's obsession with security is so great, not because of their natural rat-like desire to do things in the dark, but because of the width and breadth of the things that must be kept confidential. One thing in particular, his foot, has grown enormously since he became secret-President. In the early days, of course, special lighting and make-up were all that was needed to keep his foot on the down-low, but after 9-11 it began expanding by leaps and bounds to the point that he gave all his speeches and public appearances while standing awkwardly next to billowing curtains or wearing a flowing gown. As it grew exponentially, NASA was brought in to keep it un-noticed through the ingenius manipulation of magnets, mirrors and lasers, but now, God-no! -- the secrecy is finally unravelling and the consequences, though certainly most dire, cannot be known or predicted.

Our greatest fear is that (pesky) reporters will insist on speaking to Cheney himself -- he's been zooming on horse tranquilizers for four years -- and asking him if it is true, as his foot has been saying, that the foot's orders are Cheney's orders.

Backsies

2006-01-04T22:57:00.000Z

Admirably, the laudable President Bush graciously acknowledged defeat and agreed to a "compromise" on torture. Poor McCain. While he was foolishly wasting his time in a North Vietnamese prison, George Bush was sacrificing himself to the poolside lounge chairs and rich-people get-togethers where he learned valuable lessons about "fingers crossed" and "opposites." What good is McCain's paltry "honor" if he doesn't even know to say "No Backsies" when he shakes your hand?

Oh, President Bush, whom we laud as admirable, how gracious of you to write out your "rubber-glue" codicil to the torture bill! "I will follow this law consistent with my interpretation of the unitary executive branch which means I don't have to do anything I don't want to -- including triple stamp a double stamp, which I do herewith."

Putin is a Heckuva Guy

2006-01-02T05:54:00.000Z

Thank goodness Bush has checked out this Putin guy:

I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul.

Otherwise, the words "cold war" and "ultimatum" and "warlike" might make me nervous.

1-800-ALQ-AIDA

2006-01-01T22:10:00.000Z

Asked how he responds to Americans worried about violations of their privacy, he responded, "If somebody from al-Qaida is calling you, we'd like to know why."

R-r-r-ing!

"Hello?"

"This is al Qaida calling --"

Click. Bzzzzz.

R-r-ring!

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is al Qaida calling --"

Click. Bzzzzz.

R-r-ring!

"Hello?"

"Listen, this is not a sales call, we're just calling to inform you are a winner -- you have won one of three wonderful prizes!"

"..."

"Are you there?"

"Hello?"

"Yes, yes, hey, you are a winner! How's it feel to be a winner?"

"Who is this?"

"I bet it feels good! I don't win that much myself, so I'm really envious of you. Now look, in order to send this out to you, along with a full year subscription to the New York Times, we just need to write down your address. So how's that sound, should I send it to you?"

"..."

"Hello? Are you there?"

"Uh, hello?"

"So do you want us to send out your prize?"

"Hello?"

"I said, you've won a prize and we want to send it out to you, so we just need to confirm your address. And you'll get a one-year subscription to the New York Times! Tell me, what is it you go to first when you get the Sunday Times?"

"..."

"I'll bet it's the crossword puzzle! Am I right? Well, you'll get a whole year of crossword puzzles, plus your prize, and we'll send that out right now, if you just --"

Click.

"Hello, did you hang up again?"

"Yeah he did, this is the NSA. Just curious, which prize did he win? It was the cheap luggage, wasn't it?"

For Thine is the ... Power and the Glory

2005-12-31T18:45:00.000Z

Gonzales and Hayden are too modest. They argue only that the September 14, 2001 Authorization for the Use of Force by Congress gave Bush the power to spy on U.S. citizens without a warrant. What they do not argue, because the Bush Administration is so meek and deferential, is that the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 is unconstitutional. Any Act of Congress which infringes on the awesome power of the President as Commander-in-Chief is an unconstitutional violation of the separation of powers. What they also do not say, because they are such shrinking violets, is that the awesome President, due to his plenary authority as Commander-in-Chief, already has the inherent power to spy on U.S. citizens without a warrant, provided he says it's because of a foreign threat.

As regular readers of Andromeda know, Spiderman got his powers from a radioactive spider. The Fantastic Four got theirs from cosmic radiation. Wonderful radiation also gave superpowers to Doctor Octopus, Sandman, and many many more. But where does the President get his awesome powers? From the Constitution, of course! Probably, it was radioactive. So let's look at the Constitution and see where all those really cool powers are.

First, as the most important branch of government, the Executive Branch is listed first in the Constitution. Well, close to first. Right after the weak, puny Congress. Anyway, it can definitely kick sand in the face of that stupid Judiciary Branch. Unless the Judiciary Branch is bitten by a radioactive something.

Second, it is the President's tremendous military power which is so amazing. Naturally, the basic decision of whether or not to declare war is his and his alone. Except to the extent Congress already has that power. Which it does.

But the power to merely "declare" something, who really cares about that? It's the power to "punish ... Offenses against the Law of Nations" that really matters. Hmmm, that's Congress, too. But certainly it would be unquestionably wrong for the Congress to meddle around in the President's indisputable authority to set the "Rules concerning Captures on Land and Water"? No kidding, that's Congress, too. But how can a Commander-in-Chief be a commander-in-chief unless he at least has the right to set his own "rules for the government and regulation of the land and naval forces." Come on, that can't be a congressional power!

Well, that's fine, but it's the "executive"power which completely belongs to the President. So who calls forth the militia to EXECUTE the laws of the union? Yeah, yeah, that's right, it's the ... Congress? Then who calls the militia to "repel invasions"? That has to be the Prez -- foreign anything is his. No?

But the President is Commander-in-Chief, so he MUST be allowed to "organize" the militia. No? Arming them? No? Disciplining troops is a core authority of a commander -- that must be his and his alone. "Discipling the Militia" is Article I, Section 8, as well?

OK, OK, now hold on a second. Article II, Section II, gives the President the title "Commander in Chief," just as Article II, Section I, gives the President the executive power of the government. Well, obviously, the Congress could do nothing whatsoever that would infringe in any way on his executive power. Like passing laws telling him what to do.

But wait, they do that all the time. As the "executive," he merely executes the laws the Congress passes. The Congress gets to just tell him what to do.

But if his role as Commander-in-Chief is like his role as "Executive in Chief," then Congress could freely pass laws which tie the President's hands in punishing offenses against the law of nations, which completely constrain him concerning captures on land and water, which entirely box him in through government and regulation of the land and naval forces, etc. This would make him more like the "nation's top general," still having to go back to Congress for such daily military matters as permission to enter into a prisoner exchange.

Certainly, no one would think the drafters of the Constitution thought of George Washington that way, when he was called "Commander in Chief" during the American Revolution. Strangely, though, even he didn't think he had the authority to grant a simple furlough.

"I do not conceive myself at liberty to grant his request, without the permission of Congress."

FUI

2005-12-30T16:52:00.000Z

Well, we picked up our first FUI. Mind you, it's not the first time we've flown the space ship drunk, it's just the first time it was illegal. Things got a little slack around here a couple of months ago, so we picked up a subcontract running probees. But they're doing it out on Titan now. That's the other side of the asteroid belt. The freaking asteroid belt! Would you FTL through that sober?

Ahmad Chalabi -- Banking Genius, WMD Genius, Electoral Genius

2005-12-27T21:59:00.000Z

Why, oh, why must the leftie blogs be so harsh toward Ahmad Chalabi? Josh Marshall, Daily Kos, Atrios, and more, all mock him mercilessly, just because the U.S. held him out as Iraq's savior and yet, so far, he doesn't even get a seat in the new Parliament. But do they point out he was convicted in absentia for bank fraud in Jordan? Of course not! Nor do they note he revealed top secrets to Iran! That's right, he's a spy for Iraq's sometime enemy, Iran, and he defrauded citizens of Iraq's other neighbor, Jordan, and he STILL got 0.89%! Why is this not lauded as a stupendous achievement?

U.S. to Attack Iran From Turkey

2005-12-23T20:02:00.000Z

Udo Ulfkotte says the U.S. has been given a "green light" to attack Iran next year from bases in Turkey. Der Spiegel has its doubts about the reliability of the report. But Andromeda has obtained the following DOD press release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Numerous U.S. news organizations have been mis-reporting the Secretary of Defense's comments about troop levels in Iraq. All he ever said was troops in Iraq would be reduced. He did not say, "The troops are coming home," as has been inaccurately reported.

Rockefeller's Diary

2005-12-22T21:38:00.000Z

We here at Andromeda have heard many condemn Sen. Rockefeller for his general fecklessness as the senior Democrat on the Senate Intelligence Committee, for his weakness in negotiating with Sen. Roberts on post-9-11 inquiries, and now a general wimpiness in writing a mild mealy-mouthed letter (pdf) to Vice President Cheney after learning of illegal spying. But we have obtained a copy of his personal diary and so we know what kind of fella this "rock" is.

July 17, 2003 Dear Diary,

I just had my first big intelligence meeting on the Intelligence Committee! It was very exciting! But I don't think Dick Cheney liked me very much. [frowny face picture] Pat Roberts has been really nice, though, and I would tell no one this but you, Diary, and don't you dare tell anyone, but -- I think he LIKES me! While we were talking to Dick Cheney, Pat put his hand directly on my shoulder. I turned to look at his hand, and he looked right back at me! He just kept looking! I nearly passed out. His beady little eyes are just so DREAMY!

Anyway, Diary, Dick Cheney said something about spying on people, I didn't quite catch who. I wrote him a letter in case he is doing something wrong, and I showed it to Pat and he made me change it. I had to re-write the whole letter right in front of him -- and he took both copies with him. He said he would give one to Dick Cheney and he would put one in the Intelligence Committee safe. He said he would give me the combination soon, he just wasn't sure I was ready for it yet.

July 18, 2003 Dear Diary,

Dick Cheney is so MEAN! I told him I had to write the letter, because of my constituents and the constitution and stuff and he just got madder and madder. I was going to tell him Pat told me what to write, but I didn't want Pat made at me, too. I told Dick I was sorry, but he said I would have to say sorry to all the people killed on 9-11.

July 19, 2003 Dear Diary,

Pat did not talk to me at ALL today. I wonder what is going on?

Hopefully, that will end all those snide comments about whether a sock puppet would be as good as Sen. Rockefeller on the Intelligence Committee.

Battlefront Report

2005-12-22T21:05:00.000Z

The reek of blood and candy canes wafted toward me and jolted me awake. With dead eyes, I scanned the field, spotted a red hat bobbing along the trench opposite, and thought of taking a shot. Just then, next to me, Smitty fired his rocket-propelled-Nietzsche. Beyond Good and Evil sailed across the battlefield, and fell harmlessly short. A chorus of "Ho, ho, ho"s rose up from the enemy's side. Damn Smitty, for wasting the ammo. Never trust an agnostic, I said to myself, for the ten thousandth time of the war. But I knew, we atheists weren't much in the clinch either.

On my left, Jones' corpse gave off a rich cedar smell -- the tree had gone straight through him as he climbed out of the trench for our last charge. The tinsel dangled from his gaping wound, the dull sparkle tantalizing me with thoughts of desertion. "FWOOMP!" -- the familiar, yet always frightening, sound concentrated my mind. "Incoming!" I shouted just as fruitcake mortar round came in. What used to be Smitty disintegrated before my eyes -- gone to meet his Maker, or not.

The fruitcake mortaring meant another charge, I peered over the sandbags and saw the row of jolly red-and-white suits pouring out of their trenches. Our Kwanzaa unit scrambled out of their forward foxholes, the Hannukah and Ramadan launched a coordinated flanking attack, leaving the Atheists, Agnostics, Buddhists, and Hindus to hold the center. I shouted "Happy Holidays!" to rally our forces, but they were too worn out to move. Suddenly, we heard the Festivus horns, reinforcements at last! We sprang forward and charged with fixed First-Amendments directly at their reindeer cavalry. The sound of "Jingle Bells" seemed to come from all sides.

Simpleton

2005-11-05T04:34:00.000Z

I make the state that I am told,

I say what I'm supposed to say,

And just when this is getting old,

You dare to ask another way.

I say, "Thank you, thank you,

For your question, it's just what

I was getting to, but now I have to

Go away" and open a door I forgot

Was closed, and bump my nose --

An understandable accident --

Unable to escape, I pause

And remain, your simply humble President.

Thinking Clearly About Space, Part 1

2005-08-18T23:24:00.000Z

We appreciate the thoughtful essay, "Thinking Clearly About Space," concerning the future of space exploration. Blaming "scapegoating" and "too much hustle" for the absence of progress is good as far as it goes. But the real failure can be found elsewhere.

1. Lack of dilithium crystals

The percentage of the U.N.'s annual budget dedicated to the location and mining of dilithium crystals is less than 1%. This is a recipe for failure. The U.N.'s irrelevance has been proven once again.

2. Lack of robots

There should be at least one robot per household, like on the Jetsons. This is not including the robot armies. So where are all the robots?

3. Lazy, stupid robots

The robots we have mostly just sit around waiting to vacuum something. They have completely non-human personalities, scoring "William Hurt" or less on standard Turing Tests.

4. Faster Than Light Travel

Whether it be the warp drive, the hyperdrive, or worm technology, it's clear somebody has completely dropped the ball on this one. Is anyone even working on it, or are we just waiting for the robots to take over and invent something?

5. Time Travel

This is the easiest one of all. We already know how to do it, it's just that we're stuck going one direction at that boring old speed of one day per day. If more flexible time travel were accomplished, it would solve all the other failings: we could just hop ahead in time and get all the other technology we need from the future. But, based on what we've seen so far, no one -- not even in the future -- has yet figured this out.

The problem is the boring focus on incrementalism, to the great detriment of a single breakthrough which would make everything possible. And who is to blame? The scientists, the robots and the U.N.

Judy Miller Did Not Write A Story About Plame!

2005-08-16T15:41:00.000Z

Never was there a chorus of imbeciles to which Andromeda was not asked to contribute its smooth baritone, so let Andromeda say what was said this morning by Bob Dole, as it has been said by so many who weep copious tears for the fate of Judy Miller: she did not write a story about Joe Wilson's wife, Valerie Plame. That's right. As inconceivable as this may seem to people whose intelligence rivals that of buttered toast, Patrick Fitzgerald is seeking information from Miller concerning her discussions with Administration officials about Plame -- even though she never wrote a story about it.

Why in the world would Fitzgerald want the information about those conversations which show what Rove or Libby or Bolton knew, and when they knew it, concerning Plame's identity as a covert operative, when Miller never wrote a story in the subject? Clearly, there is no possible explanation for this. Which only makes the court's decision to jail her for refusing to talk even more offensive and inexcusable. Once Miller invoked the First Amendment and refused to provide the information which will show whether Administration officials were lying to the grand jury or to investigators, the only question that remained was: did she write a story? If she did not, then her invoking the First Amendment's protection of freedom of the press becomes inviolable and all further questioning of her should cease, lest the Constitution burst into flames, bringing down the entire Republic. On the other hand, of course, if she had written a story, then the First Amendment would, umm, be irrelevant, I guess.

Anyway, what we're talking about here is whether the reporter's privilege should be drafted as sufficiently broad to protect government officials intent on leaking national secrets in order to damage to their political opponents, or the privilege will be so restricted as to be practically useless, that is, limited to protecting sources who reveal information to promote the public interest. Andromeda supports a very broad privilege in which the first question that is asked is, "Did the reporter end up writing a story on the subject?" and the second question is "Did the story advance the political interests of the party in control of the government apparatus?" Whenever the answer to the first question is no, or the answer to the second question is "yes," the privilege will be absolute. In those situations where the reporter wrote a story based on leaked information and it only revealed information wrongly being withheld by government officials, the privilege will not apply.

Terraforming: God's Will

2005-08-15T15:23:00.000Z

Because this question arises repeatedly at our annual AndromedaCon, Andromeda will now address the religious issues surrounding terraforming. Terraforming is being discussed as a way to make Mars livable for human beings.

There are some great big sillies who refuse to recognize terraforming as mankind's right and destiny. These great big sillies view mankind as God's gift to Earth in the same way smallpox blankets were white man's gift to Native Americans.

But simple logic reveals God's will on this subject. Imagine if God gave mankind a stick of chewing gum. Would God expect mankind to just keep it and preserve in its original clean, pristine, condition? Of course not, God would expect mankind to chew it up and spit it out! And has God not given us Earth, delicious, double-mint Earth in a shiny foil wrapper? Of course He has. Just as He gave us the Garden of Eden. And remember in the Garden of Eden how He said we could eat from every Tree there, every single tree, more or less? So it is with Earth!

Time to Cut and Run

2005-08-14T15:41:00.000Z

Andromeda reporting from the front lines ...

Things are getting pretty hairy up here -- oh, God! -- the carnage! the devastation! the sickening stench! Rotting myths sprawled across the field of battle, dying illusions stacked up like cord wood, pieces of lies spattered across your correspondent's notebook ... your correspondent can hardly continue, air! give me some air! Ladies and gentlemen back home, it is barely possible to breathe here, but we must continue, we have to bring you at home this story, the dark news of this horror.

Ever since Andromeda was first assigned to cover the Bush Administration's Massive Assault upon Reality, we knew this was going to be the tough one, the one that would, years later, wake us screaming in the middle of the night -- if we even survived -- but this has been even worse than expected. Today's news -- the utter routing of an entire division of the government's elite Unreality Guard -- has shaken the politicians' morale to its very foundations.

We look into the poor dogfaces of all the NeoCons and ChickenHawks and we don't see living men and women any more, we can only see that hollow look of the already dead. Sure, they continue to fire their weapons, there was skirmishing as usual on that scorched battlefield of the Sunday morning talk shows, but their spirit clearly was no longer in it, they were just going through the motions.

It is surprising they are able to do even that -- they need only poke their heads up out of their Fox! holes to see it coming ... remorseless, unstoppable: Brutal, Hard, Reality rolling slowly but steadily over the corpses of the "We Did It For Democracy" battalion, just as it had crushed the "We Did It For The WMD" corps before that, and now the "Turn It Over When The Iraqi Security Forces Are Ready" picket is starting to wobble. The fear here is palpable, and it has a smell, a vile smell, that cuts right through the smoke of delusions dying ...

This is Andromeda reporting.

U.S. Threatens To Invade Itself

2005-08-14T00:49:00.000Z

Despite U.N. resolution after U.N. resolution, we now learn US-controlled Iraq is building weapons of mass destruction!

The U.S. has certainly been more than patient with itself, but clearly, it would be a pointless endeavor for the U.S. to molly-coddle the U.S. with more and more inspections -- if the U.N. again shows its irrelevance by failing to stop U.S.-controlled Iraq from building these dangerous weapons, it is up to the U.S. to take action -- because the very next warning may be a Mushroom Cloud.

Consequently, the U.S. has given itself a deadline. By August 20, 2005, the U.S. must provide itself indisputable proof that it has destroyed all WMD and WMD-related activities in U.S.-controlled Iraq. Absent proof acceptable to the U.S., the U.S. will immediately commence military action. "These people hate freedom!" declared President Bush, vowing to "take out" command and control, "even if the cowardly U.S. leadership uses the Washington, D.C. population as human shields."

The Truth About Cindy Sheehan

2005-08-12T17:21:00.000Z

What do we know about Cindy Sheehan? (1) She is opposed to the war in Iraq. (2) Her son died fighting that war. And (3) she is a left wing media whore.

But are there any open questions? Yes, there are. And thanks for asking. One question that we hear from many of our readers is, "Oh, Andromeda, you are so wise and pleasant-smelling, please tell us if Cindy Sheehan has the right to say such things as 'The President was wrong about weapons of mass destruction.'"

The answer to your question, surprisingly, is yes, she is allowed to say that. Her error is in saying it publicly. Or aloud. Such statements destroy our troops' morale. In fact, they were really happy about being away from home in the blasting heat of the desert, with the under-armored Humvees, and the newest IEDs from Iran, and all of that, until Cindy Sheehan made her anti-war statements. Now, they just want to come home. Hearing such public dissent makes them think its become a democracy here while they were gone, and they long to see what that's like.

Many readers also ask, "But can she say that stuff about Bush sending his own children to fight in the war if he believes in it so much?" Here, the answer is no. She is not allowed to say that. The Bush girls would survive perhaps one week in Iraq and therefore suggesting they go there is, legally, the same thing as a direct threat against them.

Some readers have posed the more challenging question, "But is it okay for her to dishonor the memory of her son and all the other soldiers who've died or been injured by implying they died in vain?" To answer this question, readers, we ask you to consider this hypothetical example. Suppose there really were a war which was brought on false pretenses and which was actually making things worse the more it was fought. (This is purely a hypothetical question, clearly.) Should Americans then point out the futility of the war? Or should they instead allow the war to continue, telling the soldiers repeatedly the war is right, so the soldiers will feel their sacrifice was worthwhile? The answer should be obvious: lots and lots of happy, deceived, dead soldiers is better than there being just a few dead soldiers, who knew the truth and were resentful.

All of the questions about Cindy Sheehan we have received come down to this: is it okay for people to protest a war? The answer is yes, but never by referencing any personal experiences. And also not publicly. Or aloud.

Intelligent Gravity

2005-08-10T21:38:00.000Z

As regular readers know, Andromeda is long accustomed to combatting and overcoming the closed-mindedness, intolerance, and bullying mentality of those who -- because they wear fancy robes and hats, and speak to their minions in front of great halls, and want so badly to believe they are right -- simply refuse to accept the clear, obvious and indisputable evidence that Andromeda presents. We are talking, of course, about the scientists. Sure, they have all their pet theories and castles in the air, which are forced-fed down the throats of school children, simply because these science toughs fiercely control and desperately protect all their fancy scientific instruments, like their cyclotrons, supercomputers, telescopes, electron microscopes, and chalk. But Andromeda did not need all of their gizmos to prove conclusively its alternate theory of gravity -- which it now demands to be taught in public schools -- Intelligent Gravity.

Sir Isaac Newton described gravity as follows: F = m1*m2*G/r^2, where "G" is the universal gravitational constant and "^" is a carrot. The flaws in Newtonian Gravity were all too obvious to Andromeda, and we have always found it very surprising those flaws were not discovered long before Einstein. For example, why should a pound of concrete -- big, heavy concrete, for cripe's sakes! -- weigh exactly as much as a pound of light, fluffy feathers? And are we supposed to believe it's just a coincidence the weight is exactly the same, even when measured on an electron microscope?

But, of course, when Einstein pointed out the flaws in Newton's theory, all of sudden, it's like, "Oh, wow, you're so smart, Albert, your new theory is so great, your hair is really cool, you can work in the German patent office, whee!" and so on. But now who will point out the numerous flaws in Einstein's theory? No one except for Andromeda because they're all so scared of his black holes, that's who!

Imagine space-time as a four-dimensional space. Did you do that? Good. Now, gravity can be seen as a perturbation of that space, such that even light, which has no mass, will "bend" around a star, because it is following the curved shape of space-time. OK. Did you really imagine space-time as a four-dimensional space?

Now, what if the light bent around the star because someone -- not God, definitely not God, because this is not a religious theory -- but just somebody, who knows who, tells it to bend? And what if this somebody is all-knowing, all-powerful and simultaneously in all places, plus he has a white beard but not like Santa's? Is this theory not just as good as the crazy Einstein theory? Which doesn't even make sense because there's only three dimensions?

In fact, Andromeda's Theory of Intelligent Gravity is superior to the so-called scientists' theory of gravity, with all their beakers, and labcoats, and fancy sportscars, because Andromeda's Theory of Intelligent Gravity completely explains everything, and has no open questions. Whereas the so-called scientists are just left gaping and drooling when they are asked to decide between general relativity and Brans-Dicke.

The Importance of Having Space Stations

2005-08-09T17:40:00.000Z

Like you, I always thought space stations were just for smashing against the Death Star that Saturn is building, going "puff!" "piff!" and "paff!" as the Death Star enters Earth orbit.

But I recently learned how wrong that thinking was. Space stations are very important.

Alien walks into a bar.

ANDY: Hey.

Alien: Hey.

Silence.

Alien: Listen, would you happen to know where I can find, uh, um, Earth's space stations?

ANDY: Uck! Say it, don't spray it! Hey, is that acid?

Alien: A little. Try baking soda.

ANDY: On my face?

Alien: So that's your FACE?

ANDY: I think I need medical attention. What is it you wanted?

Alien: Well, see, the thing is, we're getting ready to invade and, huh, the thing is, when we invade a planet, we always use the space stations to hold our little babies, a place where they can play around away from the death rays, and feed on the station crew.

ANDY: Oh, my god! Really? Oh, well, this -- this is embarrassing. We don't have any space stations.

Alien: What!?

ANDY: Oh, no, no, don't get me wrong, we used to have two. But we kind of let them burn up.

Alien: Well, isn't that great? Isn't that just great?

ANDY: Sorry. Oh, hey, we are building one!

Alien: Really? When will it be done?

ANDY: Oh, right. Well, we're having a little trouble with that.

Alien: Well, cripes! So now what am I going to tell the Supreme Leader?

ANDY: Hmmm, NASA keeps telling the American people it will be done by 2010. You could just tell the Leader that. But listen, for your own, sake, don't vouch for it, just say that's what NASA says.

Alien: Geez, thanks, human. Your death will be mercifully slow.

ANDY: Actually, humans think a quick death is merciful.

Alien: Really? We think letting someone live a long, full life and die of old age is merciful, but to each his own. See ya!

ANDY: Wait! Come back, what I meant was -- oh, criminy!

The Shuttle Has Grounded!

2005-08-09T13:08:00.000Z

Hooray! The first return to flight flight has returned to not flying, proving once and for all that space exploration is safest on the ground. If, after another two and a half years of study, America learns space exploration is inherently dangerous, it will have to decide if it is willing to let those who are willing to take the risk take the risk. So come on, America, let NASA pop some staples into the foam by the PAL ramp, give it a couple of wraps of scotch tape, and shoot Atlantis into the sky! If you go any slower about building the space station, it's going to have to be replaced before it's done being built. Don't you want a nice space station for when the aliens invade?

A Little Cloud

2005-08-08T16:17:00.000Z

Citing Wispiness Outside Safety Factor, NASA postponed the first day's landing attempts due to "slight risk of cloud." NASA claims concern Commander Collins' view of the runway would be obscured, but of course it was dark anyway, it's an ILS landing, and Collins has thousands of hours of flight experience, at least one or two of which probably included landing despite a puffy little cloud lurking nearby.

Just Let It Go

2005-08-05T22:00:00.000Z

We concur with the many blogs who find Novak's behavior in walking out of that CNN show mysterious. To our mind, the whole thing seemed scripted, but badly scripted. Talk about a completely non-believable set-up: Novak arguing with Carville about whether Katherine Harris is ugly? The FCC fought off demands from several children's organizations that Novak's face always be pixelated, while it has been proven scientifically that Carville's face causes a subliminal form of hysterical blindness -- ask anyone if they can really remember what he looks like. Yet they have opinions on Harris' looks?

But what did Novak mean, "Just let it go"? It looked like he was fine after shouting "That's bullbleep!" but then he said, "Just let it go," paused, and walked out. Was he talking to the host? To himself? Or was it perhaps a question? "Are you gonna just let that go, Ed Henry?" While each of these theories is enticing, only one theory matches all of the facts. It was a hypnotic suggestion. Look at Novak's hands as he makes the statement, see the light in his eyes as he speaks, and note the video clip has been played over and over, and Novak has been watched more and more closely with each playback -- especially by who? Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, that's who. Look, look deep into my eyes! Do you not see glittering there your very soul held in Satan's vile grip? Do my bidding, do it now, Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald!

Wayne's Mom Called

2005-08-05T04:54:00.000Z

OK, we were exaggerating a little when we said Wayne Hale climbed on top of a table, sprayed himself with whipped cream, and rubbed it all over his body, chanting, "Who's gonna re-enter, who? Who's gonna re-enter, who?" As far as his sweet ol' Mom is concerned, he's just the guy who gave sincere, honest briefings that confused us with their sincerity and honesty. And with that, Wayne's Mom, we ask that you end the massive DDOS to the Andromeda site -- you're not just hurting Andromeda, you're hurting the thousands, if not hundreds, of people who are helped by Andromeda each and every day.

Wayne Hale, MBA

2005-08-05T04:38:00.000Z

Wayne Hale claims he has no MBA. B.S. as Mech.E from Rice, M.S. as Mech.E from Purdue, that's all his bio says. Yet, at every post-MMT briefing, he insists on mystifying us with B-school jargon. "MBWA"? He claims that means "management by wandering around." But how would he know that? Still, we don't think he's getting very good grades in his B-school classes, because it actually means "management by waltzing around." As in, just barging in, exploding with meaningless business school terminology to show how important you are, and sashaying out, asking yourself, "Who were those people? Who were those little, little people?" According to one engineer -- exclusive to Andromeda! -- Hale actually climbed on top of a table of insulation blanket material, stomping on the insulation as he crowed, "Dep-u-tee! Dep-u-tee!" while rubbing his thighs.

Somerby Rubs Your Powdered Thighs And Tells You It's Raining

2005-08-03T20:48:00.000Z

Don't get us wrong: we like The Daily Howler. A lot. Unlike certain blogs we could mention that you're reading right now, he actually does work and genuinely tries to be fair. But could someone explain today's The Daily Howler to us?

The penguin bit, that's obvious. We totally understand that. Who doesn't hate penguin reproduction? Stupid penguins. But we can't understand how he missed the obvious connection to how the press treated Al Gore in 2000. (Hint: absurd reproductive system proves God does not exist.) And, of course, the Palmeiro story is perfectly reasonable: because it is not possible to know who's telling the truth, let's just trust Jose Canseco.

But when he returns, for the second day, to how correct Digby's analysis of Novak-vs-Harlow is, we are left wondering whether he really does mean to single out Digby for his remarkable accuracy when Somerby agrees with only one sentence of the Digby piece. If that is the standard, surely Andromeda, which has over its history produced one accurate sentence, and possibly two if you don't require the accurate words to be consecutive, surely Andromeda is equally deserving of mention. Yet the powdered elitist Howler pampers its thighs too much to notice -- uh, well, we weren't going to talk about that, because the question we have is how can Somerby criticize everything about using Plame's name (even if she wasn't a CIA operative), but then say that the clear partisan gunslinger Novak was perfectly right to use her name? That is, he agrees the fact is not important, he agrees it's only going to be used to smear Joe Wilson's manhood or qualifications, and yet Novak was right to print it.

Among penguins, of course, your manhood and your qualifications are the same things and, interestingly, smearing your manhood is actually part of that complex and beautifully absurd dance known as penguin love. Which, perhaps coincidentally, is also an accurate description of French love, as narrated by Morgan Freeman.

Prosecutor Fitzgerald Wrapping Up

2005-08-03T19:25:00.000Z

We use the above title only in the hopes of triggering Somerby's wrath over at The Daily Howler. Not that Andromeda needs the attention. Things are going swimmingly here. We have already engaged the services of that consulting firm that created the TPM Cafe spin-off to the Talking Points Memo, as well as the Arianna Huffington spin-in of all sorts of other bloggers to one big, bulgy blog. Expect the big roll-out this spring. It's going to be thoughtful, provocative, insightful, and, most especially, news-breaking. Plus celebrities. The Pope's already initialed a napkin contract. Not the current Pope, either. How's that for breaking news, huh? Yeh, we thought so. For balance, we will also have the Anti-Pope. Boy oh boy, the sparks are sure to fly whenever those two get together. We also have the anti-Lama, so the Dalai Lama is sure to come on board.

But the point is, Special Prosecutor Fitzgerald is wrapping up his investigation! So says the New York Times. Or anyway that's what one of its sources says. A source sympathetic to Rove. In other words, Rove's lawyer. Or Satan himself. And all he actually said was he thought the questions Fitzgerald asked Ralston and Hernandez were "typical of those posed by a prosecutor wrapping up the loose ends." But we selected just the words "prosecutor wrapping up."

So what do we now know? One, Fitzgerald is wrapping up his case and it will likely include an indictment of President Bush. And the Anti-President. And two, the new Andromeda Cafe Postington super-blog will break more news than there is!

Globbing Handfuls of Hope on the Insulation Blanket

2005-08-03T18:48:00.000Z

The astronauts continue to perform flawlessly. The same cannot be said of the people on the ground. Thankfully, the duct-tape-and-hacksaw method of removing the gap-filler was never tried. We at Andromeda rather wonder if even anyone at NASA seriously believed in that method. Watching the video of how "easy" it would be, we could only see hacksaw scuffing against the spacesuit, hacksaw cutting the astronaut's gloved fingertips, hacksaw, helmet, spacesuit, etc., scratching and scraping the nearby tiles, and hacksaw scattering as much white powder as Bogota.

Which brings us to the newly discovered secret of the series of successes (no, we do not call them near-failures). The primary solution to the gap filler problem was to hope it pulled out easily by hand. This solution was resorted to only after hoping the gap filler would not cause a problem on re-entry proved to be untenable. But hooray! It worked!

Remember NASA's solution to the fuel sensor problem? The first launch was aborted because of it, so they went right to work to solve the problem and finally came back with: we can't find the problem, so let's just try to launch again and hope it doesn't happen again! Another success!

On the other hand, what was the solution to the PAL Ramp foam problem? They looked at it carefully, studied it in detail, thought it all over, and concluded, "Let's hope it doesn't fall off." Hmmm.

So let's hope the insulation blanket problem can be solved and let's hope the absence of the gap filler (which we must assume was put in there for a reason) will cause no problems on re-entry.

Tripping The Boundary Layer

2005-08-01T23:46:00.000Z

Tripping the boundary layer refers to the decrease in drag caused by surface roughness. As reported exclusively on this blog (as far as you know), the protruding gap fillers pose a potential risk to re-entry for Space Shuttle Discovery. Although other shuttles have safely returned despite protruding gap fillers, the concern is localized heating may cause tile damage. So they are going to try to fix it. This has never been tried before. It will involve an EVA which extends around the shuttle, out of sight, something that has also never been done before. And they plan to fix it, just by pulling it out.

EV1: OK, Houston, I finally managed to get out here and I am positioned directly over the protruding gap filler.

HOUSTON: Very good, EV1. Now, reach forward carefully, grip the tab between your fingers and pull it out.

EV1: Houston, are you kidding? You want me just to grab it and pull it?

HOUSTON: Yes, what's the big deal, why not, go ahead, try it.

EV1: Fine. I'll try it. Here goes. Well, I pulled on it and it wouldn't budge.

HOUSTON: What do you mean you pulled on it? Did you put some muscle behind it?

EV1: No, of course not, I don't want to damage the thermal protection --

HOUSTON: Come ON! What are you doing? Haul on it like you have a pair!

EV1: OK, I am pulling now with all my strength --

HOUSTON: Wuss! Sissy!

EV1: OK, I have chipped two footholds into the tile and I am pulling it with both hands! There! I got it!

[Loud comedy fart noise]

HOUSTON: [Burst of laughter, various voices] Ha, ha, ha -- he did it, he just pulled it out, I think he tripped the boundary layer! [Laughter continues.]

Smells Like Free Spirits

2005-08-01T23:33:00.000Z

OK, everybody, be very quiet, stay very still. Terrorists can smell freedom, so just thinking critical thoughts is almost sure to force them to attack. That's right, invading Iraq and abusing prisoners cannot be viewed as provocation for terrorists, because such thinking smells too much like freedom and we know for sure they hate freedom. So please stay still, stay quiet -- oh, no, Jimmy Carter, don't!

Protruding Gap Filler

2005-07-29T18:29:00.000Z

Although we at Andromeda had hoped to provide daily commentary on the shuttle's return to flight, all the news today is good, leaving us with nothing to grouse about. So we're going to talk about something else: the indomitable human spirit.

For is it not that spirit of striving, forever striving, which makes a man a man, a woman a woman, and so on? Did the humble monkey ever dream of such modern marvels as ALT-TAB window-switching, or the coolatta? Or, even if he did, did he throw himself down in the dirt and roll around screeching when the first coolatta prototypes exploded in Earth-enveloping balls of fire, or when the first ALT-TAB switching attempts caused sharpened steel rods to be driven through the computer user's eyes, or did he do what humans did, and pull the steel rods out of their eyes, roll around in the dirt screeching and then pick themselves up and dust themselves off and try again? Sure, they next tried the coolatta with MORE fissionable materials and the ALT-TAB switching with even stronger springs on the steel rods, but what's important is they did not give up.

No, they kept trying and trying until, finally, they unleashed their intercontinental ballistic coolattas and their multiple independently targeted ALT-TAB switching upon their quiet neighbors and took all their space shuttles. And that man was Eli Whitney.

Nothing To See Here

2005-07-28T20:37:00.000Z

Well, it appears the chip on the aft edge of the right nose gear door is too small to be a problem. Hooray! The other worrisome area detected from the External Tank camera was the chine tile Area of Interest. That too appears to be an insignificant issue. So the shuttle is safe. Phew!

No, don't keep looking at the photos! Stop, we already assured you that the two items seen on the right side of the shuttle from the ET cam are fine, so there's nothing else to look for. Why are you looking at that white shape that can be seen about a foot aft of the nose gear door, a little to the left of center? What do you mean it looks like an EZ-Pull Tab?

If At First You Don't Succeed

2005-07-27T23:23:00.000Z

For over two years, NASA has been fully aware of, and very concerned about, the foam on the protuberance air-flow ramps of the shuttle's external fuel tank. For that reason, NASA asked America's top scientists to work and keep working and then work some more, until they were sure, absolutely sure, the tank was safe. All that work to prevent and guard against a particular and highly foreseeable failure which, well, happened anyway.

So what is to be done? Ask America's top scientists to look at the problem. So says Bill Parsons, Manager of the Space Shuttle Program at the 6 pm briefing this evening. But this time they're really gonna buckle down and knock this thing out even if it takes all night, cause this is go time, baby!

Return to Flight

2005-07-27T08:47:00.000Z

Almost as though Jed Clampett's truck had been shot into the sky, the space shuttle Discovery launched STS-114 into orbit, spattering critters and spewing debris. Today, they will use the new boom on the CanadaArm to search the nose and wings for damage, and hopefully scrape a possum out of the grill for granny's stew. In about a hundred flights, the shuttle has been hit by about 15,000 items of debris, so the chances of a catastrophe on re-entry seem minuscule, but public hue and cry about flight safety will likely lead to the crew holing up in the ISS until rescued by Atlantis, which will have lost even more of its thermal protection than Discovery and still land successfully on one wheel. The good news, from a science discovery perspective, as well as from a survival perspective, will be that Discovery will continue to encounter space "roadkill" even on orbit, and granny's famous "E.T. chitlins 'n' gravy" sits great on a space biscuit.

We Jiggled Everything

2005-07-24T12:23:00.000Z

On July 13, 2005, the "Return to Flight" of the American Space Shuttle was aborted due to an ECO fuel sensor problem.

The ECO ("engine cut-off") fuel sensor is supposed to be able to tell when the tanks are empty and cut the engines off. The reason such a cut-off is required is that, if the engines attempt to continue running with an empty tank, they may suffer "uncontained failure" (i.e., fiery explosion). In other words, exactly like a '77 Buick Electra.

Oh yeah, they also acknowledged it had already been failing intermittently well before the July 13, 2005 launch date. In fact, since April:

Recent problems with the ECO sensor system dates back to April when two of the four hydrogen depletion sensors operated intermittently during a fueling test. Engineers removed a "black box" from Discovery that is used to format and relay data from the sensors to the shuttle's flight computers and subjected it to detailed analysis. But it operated normally.

So, following the July 13 abort, they took the ECO fuel sensor system apart and checked everything, testing it this way and that and, eventually, they found some ground variances and some possible electromagnetic interference, but they didn't actually find the problem. So they put it all back together and, on July 18, 2005, they announced they were going to launch on Tuesday, July 26, 2005. Unless the ECO fuel sensor warning goes off during count-down again.

We now drive an '02 LeSabre. Occasionally, we get this "Engine Exploding" light on the dashboard. So we scrunch our eyes, hunch our shoulders and wait, thinking "We have absolutely GOT to get this car in for service, absolutely GOT to." But then the light goes out again. So we drive on, past several friendly service stations and auto repair shops. Because the light is not on, see? Sure, we have found the light goes back on if we flick it lightly with our finger. So we don't do that anymore.

Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death

2005-07-23T16:46:00.000Z

Terrorists hate freedom. We will not be safe from terrorists until all freedom has been eradicated. Privacy is part of freedom and, of course, must be done away with. More cameras are needed, regardless of their effectiveness in stopping terrorism. Random searches of people passing along the public way must begin immediately, even if, by permitting the terrorists to decline the search and come back later, their ineffectiveness is guaranteed. Paraphrasing Patrick Henry, one New Jersey gentleman said, "I'd rather be watched and alive than dead with my privacy intact," nicely summing up the modern version of that independent American can-do spirit.

It is important that all people take the following simple steps which are sure to stop the terrorists:

Don't carry your freedom around with you. Terrorists are looking for the easy targets. Keep it safe at home under your bed. If for some reason you are inconsiderately carrying your freedom in public, do not openly display it, and most importantly do not flaunt it. For example, rather than wearing one of those dangerous Ziggy cartoons blaring out some viewpoint on a T-shirt, try just thinking to yourself, "Oh, my, a bird doing laps sure would bother Ziggy! That is so funny."
Do not keep your freedom under your bed. The bedroom is no place for freedom! If you have a cellar, go there and dig a deep hole. Bury your freedom there under two feet of concrete. If you do not have a cellar, dig one. Try some nice wood paneling. Put in a wet bar. And bury your freedom under two feet of concrete.
You may feel inclined to use your freedom to say something mildly critical, or perhaps just teasing, about your government. Don't. Terrorists quickly detect that sort of freedom especially. Especially since they hacked into the government's new "All-Seeing Eye" network of security cameras, which are activated by the sound of gunshots or "Bush is dumb" jokes.
If, by some chance, you and your spouse were down in the cellar last night, rolling around in that deep shag carpet after trying out the wet bar, and you used your last ration of freedom to try a little something "new," wear a heavy perfume or cologne the next day. Dogs smell fear; terrorists smell freedom.

Many people have already tried these simple tips and are amazed at their results:

Beth S. Daw of Bethesda, Maryland said, "I think whatever everyone thinks."

John Q. Public of Anytown, USA said, "Giving up my anonymity has really helped me with the terrorists. Before, I'd be walking along, not telling anyone who I was, what I was doing, where I was going, or what I was thinking, and next thing you know there'd be a swarm of five or six of 'em, rucksacks just bulgin' with suicide bombs, but now it's been three weeks without a single private thought in my head or non-public fact about me, and I haven't been blown up once."

Candice Camra of Allen, Funt, explained, "At first, I thought it was wrong we had to buy and install all the cameras ourselves, plus send in the videotape once a week to the government. But the good news is I found a benign polyp in my lower colon!"

Daily Howler Sips Wine and Dutifully Types

2005-07-14T00:20:00.000Z

How pampered is the Daily Howler? One need look no further than the "Bush Above Scotty" item. Holding its wine glass in one hand, and dutifully typing with the other, the vaunted Daily Howler is too powdered to actually research Bush's comments. Naturally, that perfumed member of the Internet elite conveniently ignores Bush's more recent and express pledge to fire the leaker. A pledge made long after the investigation had become ongoing. But the Daily Howler is too busy rubbing its thighs to notice that a June 2004 statement by Bush about the ongoing investigation renders the recent line from the White House even more hypocritical.

Q Given -- given recent developments in the CIA leak case, particularly Vice President Cheney's discussions with the investigators, do you still stand by what you said several months ago, a suggestion that it might be difficult to identify anybody who leaked the agent's name?

THE PRESIDENT: That's up to --

Q And, and, do you stand by your pledge to fire anyone found to have done so?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes. And that's up to the U.S. Attorney to find the facts.

Just too pampered to dutifully type that, now weren't you, Daily Howler? (Please set down your wine glass before answering. Wine does not come out of a keyboard -- I know.)

CORRECTION: That's red wine that does not come out of a keyboard. A chablis or chardonnay cleans up quite nicely. We at Andromeda sincerely apologize that we were too powdered to make that clear in our original post.

Bush Is Utterly Powerless

2005-07-13T23:23:00.000Z

President Bush, today, answering questions from the press prior to his Cabinet meeting:

Mark Knoller, are you with us?
Q You bet. Thank you, sir. Can I ask you if you have spoken with your Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove about the Valerie Plame matter? And do you think he acted improperly in talking about it with reporters?

THE PRESIDENT: Mark, I have instructed every member of my staff to fully cooperate in this investigation. I also will not prejudge the investigation based on media reports. We're in the midst of an ongoing investigation, and I will be more than happy to comment further once the investigation is completed.
Elaine.
Q Mr. President, on that front, though, has Mr. Rove come to you and discussed -- when did he discuss the fact that he had conversations with reporters about Valerie Plame? And based on that, do you feel as though it was appropriate in 2003 for your spokesman to say definitively that Karl Rove had nothing to do with the Valerie Plame incident?

THE PRESIDENT: We're in the midst of an ongoing investigation, and this is a serious investigation. And it is very important for people not to prejudge the investigation based on media reports. And again, I will be more than happy to comment on this matter once the investigation is complete.

The President is right, we cannot prejudge this investigation based on media reports. Since there is no other way to determine who the leaker is, he must wait until the investigation is complete. Of course, while the investigation drags on, the President continues to have a leaker in his midst and no way whatsoever to find out who it is. For all the President knows, that leaker might be someone in a position of great power. Goodness gracious, this unknown person who cannot possibly be found out until the investigation is over might still have a high security clearance. Think of it: the leaker might even have been in that very room!

Andromeda Press Conference

2005-07-11T21:45:00.000Z

(Joined in progress)

Andy: ... so that's why we think using stem cells to develop our Strategic Defense Initiative is morally consistent. Steve?

Q: Andy, last fall, you stated in no uncertain terms that no one at Andromeda had anything to do with the disclosure of Plame's identity and yet this weekend Time Magazine reported your staff was responsible for creating a clickable web map showing the location of all her secret contacts.

Andy: Well, first of all, you can hardly believe everything you read in Time Magazine, with all the trouble they're having these days getting decent sources. Second, there is an ongoing criminal investigation ... which we think is stupid. We also think the special prosecutor is stupid. And we totally reject the story in Time Magazine. Janet.

Q: In Andromeda's War on Terror --

Q: Andy, when you say "totally reject," do you mean there is no truth at all in the Time Magazine story?

Andy: Steve, please do not interrupt Janet.

Q: Thank you Andy, I was saying that Andromeda is doing an excellent job in the War on Terror and ... that seems really important.

Andy: Yes.

Q: Do you want to comment on that?

Andy: Sure, we at Andromeda feel terrorism is very bad and very scary. And scary things can be very distracting. Yes, Don?

Q: Following up on Steve's question, when you say "totally reject," do you mean these is no truth at all in the Time Magazine story?

Andy: Story? What story? They have a story?

Q: You just spoke about it a second ago, they accuse you of creating a clickable web map --

Andy: Fine, fine! Yes, I remember the story and we totally reject it. Janet?

Q: Wait, Andy, that was my question -- what do you mean "totally reject"?

Andy: Nothing, Janet?

Q: I just had that one.

Andy: OK, when we say "totally reject," we do not necessarily mean we reject the story in its totality, we mean we completely reject the parts that are not accurate. Go ahead, Janet.

Q: Me? I was just leaving.

Q: What is inaccurate?

Andy: Well, if you must know, the map did not have "all" her secret contacts. We didn't mention Islamabad at all. And one of the links was broken.

Q: We have just learned there is a videotape with excellent audio showing you releasing Plame's secret identity.

Andy: I appreciate your question. Well, that is why we have said we, unfortunately, cannot comment anymore on an ongoing investigation. No one wants to get to the bottom of this more than we do. No one is more interested in nailing this thing down. No one has a greater sense of natural curiosity than we do. But with the ongoing investigation and all, our hands are tied.

Q: But you've previously commented on the investigation. Last fall, you stated in no uncertain terms that you had nothing to do with the Plame matter.

Andy: I know what I said. Don't you think I know what I said? I am very familiar with what I said. No one wants to get to the bottom of what I said more than I do. But we cannot say anything more at this time, due to the ongoing investigation. We just cannot comment on an ongoing investigation. Where did Janet go?

Q: But you have commented on the investigation. You said it was stupid and the special prosecutor --

Andy: I know that, I know that, I know what I said. But that was prior to the criminal invest --

Q: That was just a few seconds ago, during this news conference.

Andy: Well, you have my answer. What's that Janet? You want to know about Andromeda's plans for the War on Terror?

Q: She's not even here.

Andy: I can't comment on that.

Q: Well, as to the War on Terror, would you care to comment on the failure to keep the war restricted to Iraq?

Andy: I appreciate your question. I think your question is being asked relating to some reports that are in reference to an ongoing criminal investigation. As you --

Q: No, it isn't.

Andy: Well, I think it is.

Q: But it isn't.

Andy: I will be glad to talk about it at the appropriate time. No one wants to find the truth more than we do.

Blog Coverage of Blog Coverage Improving

2005-07-08T22:18:00.000Z

Long, long ago, in the caveman days, blogs could only be self-referential. "Yesterday, I said this, and the day before that I said that," would blog the bold blogger. Then someone, possibly me, came up with the idea of what I will call "linking," and suddenly it became possible for one blog to "link" to another, vastly expanding -- and yet retaining -- the core concept of blogging, i.e., self-referentialism. This was known as the Golden Age of Blogging.

But nowadays there is TV, also known as cable TV. As blogs' awesome power has grown, the TV crowd have grown jealous and attempted to crush all blogging, by making it boring, i.e., by reporting on it.

Yet, blogging is not merely a fad, a fashion, a trend, nor even a movement. It is an elemental universal force. So it did what it because of what it is must do: it swallowed the TV reporting on blogging. So DC Fishbowl provides updates on developments at CNN's "Inside the Blogs," as does TV Newser and a blog is dedicated to just the co-host of the CNN show (I Luv Abbi Tatton Blog).

But who will keep us updated on these blogs reporting on cable reporting on blogs?

Free Therapy for Terrorists!

2005-07-07T22:49:00.000Z

Unless there is some way to invade Iraq even more, it is time to recognize the conservatives' solution to terrorism is not working, and we must consider the liberals' solution. For that reason, Andromeda has decided to offer FREE THERAPY to all terrorists.

This offer is not limited to psychological therapy. Massage therapy (with happy ending!) is also available, as is nail therapy (it really is just a question of diet, but a nice soak and polish never hurts) and, in fact, any spa treatment. With luck, a nice mud mask will soak that evil right out of your pores!

Just present your Terrorist I.D. Card (even terrorists have been forced to resort to these privacy-invading measures) at any Andromeda retail outlet.

Employees of Andromeda and their families are ineligible. Offer not assignable. Must be present to win.

Tearful Apology

2005-06-21T23:34:00.000Z

Dick Durbin's open weeping for ever having criticized America's Torture Program does indeed set a high bar, but at Andromeda we are prepared to throw ourselves across that bar as we attempt to outpatriot wily ol' Durbin.

First, we want to apologize for ever having mentioned the Downing Street memos. Well, actually we never mentioned them, but we sincerely regret we didn't not mention them more.

Second, we deeply and profoundly regret any hurt we may have caused Dick Cheney by pretending we found another Downing Street memo which said:

I met with President Bush today and found him to be a doe-eyed ingenue, gooily pliable in the skilled hands of a cabal with a secret agenda, easily fooled by mystifying double-talk such as, "Badges? We don't need no stinking badges," readily convinced by frat boy slash cheerleader rah-rah, such as "Slam dunk!" and easily distracted by ego-reinforcing protocol. Also, he kept correcting my use of the word "dissemble." --Tony Blair.

Third, we cry out in anguish and lash our tender parts in regret for having linked to the Bush cheerleader picture.

Recognizing that Durbin's second apology has finally put the terrible Gitmo chapter behind us, we at Andromeda hope to end the Iraq War by apologizing hard enough for ever showing the temerity to criticize it.

Mrs. Robinson, you are trying to seduce me ... aren't you?

2005-06-08T02:06:00.000Z

We at Andromeda have an uncanny sense about these things. Still, we must admit there have been a few times we have been being seduced and we were completely unaware of it. Like the ten years we spent in that reform facility on the Re-Education Planet back home. Due to averaging, of course, our accuracy percentage is still 100%, thanks to the countless times we have believed we were being seduced, when, in fact, we were just being pickpocketed. Or receiving a prostate exam. Or both, but what we are saying is we salute Anne Bancroft for her life, career, and her subtle skills in the deadliest form of combat.

Paranoia Big Destroya

2005-06-06T01:44:00.000Z

It can finally be revealed exclusively (MUST CREDIT !!!) on Andromeda that the Great Electron Wars are about to begin. The U.S. has prepared as best it can, assuming setting up an MSN chat room called "HACK4US" was the best it can, and its digital army lies ready, eager, and waiting, sipping Mr. Pibb and adjusting their mice. The evil-doers, contrariwise, have prepared their clones, dressed them up in fetching Star Wars costumes, and lined them up rectilinearily, for the imminent assault. So far, the evil-doers have only jiggled the perimeter wire, but the coming attack shall wreak electronic havoc, and then Andromeda will stand about in the smoking ruins afterward, find a lonely Luftballon, think of you, and let it go.

Heute zieh' ich meine Runden
Seh' die Welt in Trümmern liegen
Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden
Denk' an dich und laß' ihn fliegen

Lawyers in Space

2005-06-04T23:07:00.000Z

Believe it or not, there is something called the "Outer Space Treaty." The U.S signed the treaty, agreeing to the peaceful use of outer space, in January 1967. In other words, the only part of the entire Universe the U.S. intends to militarize is the middle atmosphere, the lower atmosphere, mountains, deserts, swamps, highlands, lowlands, flatlands, tundra, icecaps, icebergs, islands, oceans, seas, lakes, rivers, cities, towns, villages, and possibly the interior, of one little planet. But the crazy give-peace-a-chance kooks don't like to talk about that, do they?

Of course, the treaty did not mean the U.S. could not continue a militarily manned space station well past the date the OST was signed. As far as you know, that program ended in 1969. Two space suits from the program were recently discovered. One was for "Lawyer" and one was for "007." That is what is so sad about signing these treaties -- secret agents need to consult a lawyer before they can even fire the space laser, much less activate the Death Star. The lawyer's code name was "Richard Lawyer," since everyone was going to call him "Dick" anyway.

The Army of the Future

2005-06-03T16:48:00.000Z

The U.S. military's recent recruitment problem is of great concern to us here at Andromeda. The news today that the Army is changing its rules about kicking out drug addicts and the obese represents a good first step as part of an over-all strategy to responsibly address the problem. The unhealthy, the unfit, the drug-addicted, the drunk, the refractory and the criminal will hopefully supply the shortage left as the gay are identified and court-martialed. Ultimately, however, it strikes us that the problem is similar in many ways to the budget problem, and calls for a similar Bush-style solution.

With the budget, the problem was that more and more money needed to be spent to pay for Bush's global ambitions, and yet Bush was unwilling to accept a tax hike to pay those costs. With military recruitment, the problem is that more and more lives need to be spent to pay for Bush's global ambitions, and yet Bush is unwilling to accept a draft to keep those lives in good supply. For the budget, the solution was brilliant. Simply ignore reality. It did not matter that we were spending more than we were taking in. And so the budget problem went away.

A similar solution to the recruitment problem is obvious. Deficit soldiers. Just as foreign countries have financed our deficit spending, we will promise countries like China and Japan soldiers in the future in exchange for their soldiers now. To help them decide to lend us soldiers now, they could come by nurseries and playlots and Michael Jackson's house to look over the crop of future soldiers they would have to choose from.

"Aha!" you say, "There is a flaw in that approach! What if in the future there were a war with a 'creditor' country and the U.S. owed that country so many soldiers it could not supply its own side?" To that, we say, "You are so foolish we will not deign to answer your foolish question, and you smell." But then you say, "Please!" and we say, "OK, this time we will, but don't be so foolish from now on with the foolish questions that you have all the time, smelly." The answer is simple: the U.S. would supply its soldiers to form the enemy's army, which would mean the enemy would have spare soldiers the U.S. could borrow (in exchange for future U.S. soldiers) to fight for the U.S. side.

World Bank

2005-06-01T23:46:00.000Z

Andromeda's mortgage and checking account are with the World Bank, so, frankly, we were a little worried about Paul Wolfowitz' first day as President, which was today. This morning we went down to our local branch to use the World ATM.

Wolfowitz was standing there amid a bunch of balloons colored like Earth globes, greeting the customers. He had a long, sharp, toothy smile that reminded us of a wolf. Hunched next to him, in the shadows, was his buddy Richard Perle. Perle was eating cake, even though that was supposed to be for the customers. He wasn't smiling, but he did seem to like the cake.

We walked up to Wolfowitz and shook his hand. He said, "Welcome to the World Bank, did you know we reduced our checking account fees?" He didn't wait to find out if we knew that or not, because he was just asking different questions like that to everyone who came in. Like "Have you thought about a second mortgage?" and "Did you know we have zero percent car loans for qualified applicants?" He asked us about the checking account fees and pulled us along with the hand we were shaking, and pushed us with his other hand on our shoulder. We wanted to talk about the Iraq War, but he was pushing us on so fast, we only got a chance to say, "Nice hair!" and then we were face-to-face with Perle. Perle wasn't expecting us to stand there in front of him, cause we were just supposed to keep going on in to use the world banking services and see if there was any world cake left, but we stopped and stood there in front of him, watching him finish his cake beneath a large fake rhododendron. It was so dark we hadn't noticed it at first, but after our eyes adjusted we could see he had a lot of black pens with chains on them sticking out of his pocket. His eyes glittered when he saw us looking at his pocket, then he made a sudden animal noise and dashed out from the rhododendron. We went to the World ATM machine.

The machine confiscated our card and spit out a piece of paper saying the World Bank had suspended our card due to suspicions we had weapons of mass destruction. So we stood in the line to talk to a teller and explain we didn't have any WMD any more so could we have our card back or at least get some cash because the anthrax salemen on our street wouldn't accept credit cards. Ahead of us in line was Ibrahim al-Jaafari, the Iraqi Prime Minister. He said he had to go to the bathroom cause he had been waiting in line for hours. "Will you hold my place?" he asked. We told him we didn't think so. "You *are* just the transition Prime Minister," we said. We explained about our ATM card and he said the same thing happened to him, even though Iraq just got inspected! So we felt sorry for him and said we would hold his place if we could have his cake. We ate his cake and when he came back from the bathroom, we said we never met him before and we didn't know anything about any cake. But we got tired of standing in line, so we just snagged a huge stack of those deposit envelopes and a balloon and walked out. When we got home, we had a nice letter from the bank with a new ATM card with Wolfowitz' picture on it. That is some very nice hair.

Puny Humans

2005-05-30T18:00:00.000Z

Andromeda Galaxy is now three times bigger. And we pass the savings on to you! It turns out your human scientists, with their tiny brains and crinkled forepaws, were unable to conceive the vastness of such a stupendous galaxy as Andromeda. Also, they forgot about the suburbs. Everyone forgets about the suburbs. Except on Memorial Day, when the total barbecue-generated energy produced in the suburbs is equivalent to three decades of the Sun's total output, or enough to run John Kerry's hairdryer for one hour.

The Privacy/Piracy Conspiracy: This Time, Terrorism is Personal

2005-05-29T20:13:00.001Z

Others have devoted tireless efforts enlisting government assistance for needy multibillion-dollar corporations by pointing out that some piracy criminals may have sympathies with Hezbollah. These courageous anti-piracy crusaders have boldly shown that much more of the War on Terrorism billions should be spent protecting record company profits, due to the slight risk they may some day fall from obscene to merely exorbitant. Oh, and to stop terrorism.

And now it has fallen to Andromeda to draw the attention of the country, nay, the world, or even nayer, the universe, to the temporary difficulties and minor impediments corporations have faced in attempting to pry into the viewing, buying, eating, reading, remedying habits of the public -- all because of terrorists!

Andromeda bravely provided the following testimony before the Senate Committee on Exploitation of the Masses:

Do Terrorists Engage in the Protection of their Privacy?

We are also frequently asked if terrorist groups attempt to protect their privacy. We do not know the answer to that question. What we do know is that while working with law enforcement to conduct anti-privacy raids, we have been in homes and businesses in which photos of Hezbollah leader Sheik Nasrallah have been prominently displayed.

Undaunted by the terrorists' threats, Andromeda also heroically gave the following valiant testimony before the House Committee on the Removal of Doors:

There are also indicators that some associates of terrorist groups may be involved in pro-privacy crime. During our investigations, we have encountered suspects who have shown great affinity for Hezbollah and its leadership. The following are just two examples: during the search of a residence pursuant to an anti-privacy search warrant, we saw two small Hezbollah flags displayed in the suspect's bedroom. Next to the flags was a photograph of Hassan Nasrallah whom we recognized as a leader of Hezbollah.

In 2004, detectives served an anti-privacy search warrant at a clothing store in Los Angeles County. During the booking process, the suspect was found to have a tattoo of the Hezbollah flag on his arm.

What greater proof could there be? The Department of Homeland Security must immediately invest hundreds of billions into research to improve corporations' ability to track consumer behavior.

Note: Your browser's refusal to accept a cookie from our advertisers has been reported. Yeh, that's right, just try to get that flag tattoo off your arm before the authorities arrive.

Respect My Authority

2005-05-24T23:44:00.000Z

As regular readers of this blog know, Andromeda despises humor of any kind. That is why we have historically applauded the arrests of so many air passengers for making their so-called "jokes."

Crazed nurse arrested.
Laughing policeman arrested.
Australian comedians arrested.
British student arrested.
British soldier arrested.

Clearly, these dangerous individuals fail to realize the deviousness of Al Qaeda. For years and years, Osama bin Laden's minions waltzed with insouciance through our tightest security by first declaring, "There's a bomb in there" and then guffawing, "I was kidding!" Amused security workers everywhere laughed uproariously and, owing to the general hilarity and good-feeling, completely forgot to check the bag!

The only possible way to prevent this fiendishness was to make jokes a felony. Of course, the penalty depends on how funny the joke is. Jay Leno, for example, always receives just a warning, whereas there still exists a shoot-on-sight order for Peter Sellars, though he's been dead for years.

The Naked and The Dead

2005-05-20T21:57:00.000Z

As everyone knows, America's most powerful weapon is the naked. Nobody does the naked like Americans. After the success of the Abu Ghraib photos, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency ("PETA") has been signing multimillion-dollar government contracts in research on the naked by the dozen, and Andromeda was lucky enough to receive one, based on our prior, independent research in being naked. Keep in mind, we have only spent ten million dollars at this point, so this research is very preliminary.

Using PhotoShop, we have been able to alter photos of foreign leaders to make them appear unclothed. We have not yet learned how to make the body proportionate to the head, nor can we match the lighting or hide the cut-and-paste, but we are hopeful about plans we are developing to address these issues.
That's about all we've come up with.

Our long-term goal, obviously, is to address the possibility of an attack by aliens. The clear risk is that, with some sort of scaly, reptilian body, they will not wear clothes at all, meaning they would be completely impervious to even our most savage naked weaponry! Our principal development strategy is to create some sort of "hyper-clothes" for humans to wear as a way of creating "relatively increased nakedness" for the aliens.

Flowers for Algernon

2005-05-18T00:08:00.000Z

Well, due to our powerful opposition to the Iraq War and tremendous influence among young people, naturally Andromeda has been dragged into this oil-for-food scandal. We were really impressed with Mr. Galloway's remarks and we would like to strike a similarly eloquent and defiant pose when we appear. Here is a first draft of our opening statement. (Actually, it's the second draft -- the first draft had a lot more "A-ha!"s.)

"Senator (here we will fix Senator Coleman with a steely gaze, or possibly our 'crazy-eye look' which would have the advantage of not seeming like just a copy, and also of being comfortable and familiar), we are not now, nor have we ever really been an oil trader, and neither has anyone been one on our behalf, except in the larger sense, of course, that we don't actually drill for oil ourselves and pump it and refine it into gasoline for the Geo Metro, in that sense, someone is an oil dealer on our behalf, but we don't need to talk about that now, right? Right? Why are you just looking at me? Turn the mike on? You mean my mike isn't on?

"Sorry about that. So we were saying, we have met Saddam Hussein. Yes, we have. Exactly as many times as Donald Rumsfeld has. A-ha! (Pause for steely gazing during applause.) But we were only meeting with him to get a slice of the oil-for-food deal, whereas Rumsfeld was there for the guns-and-gas deal. We were not there for the guns-and-gas deal, no, not us, because we didn't hear of that until it was too late. We barely heard about the oil-for-food deal in time. We are very busy. We just got digital cable.

"We had very little oil to offer, so the meeting with Saddam did not last long. He told his henchmen to throw us off a roof, and shoot us, and throw us off a roof again, but they let us get away with just the whipping followed by the open-wound-sewage-swim. The only food we got out of it were some stale mints in the waiting room. They looked like they had *dust* on them. What does that say? Poor housekeeping has brought down many a regime.

"The second time we met Saddam was right after the war. He was on the run. We ran a little cafe outside the Green Zone. He needed forged papers to get out of the country and, well, that just happened to be a side business of ours. We were maintaining the oil-for theme, because we still had hopes of some franchising opportunities. He was hauling bales of currency, but had very little oil. We were reluctant to break with the theme and start accepting cash-for-food, or cash-for-false-papers, but he convinced us, after taking us for a swim around the treatment plant. The papers worked like a charm. A few weeks later, they dragged his crazy cousin out of that spider hole."

Newsweek's Seppuku -- A Good First Step

2005-05-16T22:24:00.000Z

As regular readers know, Andromeda is dedicated to the highest standards in journalistic ethics. Well, "dedicated" is probably a little strong, since, technically, we're dedicated to the proposition that all galaxies are created equal. Except M102. And "standards," well, you have to take that loosely, since there really are no journalistic standards for blogs. And "ethics," isn't that just subjective, anyway?

But the point is, our motto is: Chekc the facts, chekc the facts, and then chekc again! Admittedly, except for the exclamation point, it's not a very inspiring motto. Personally, I wanted "Live Long and Proper" based on the Vulcan thing, but I couldn't think of a hand gesture which signified propriety. For "chekc the facts," we hold an index finger primly in the air. Which is nice, as far as it goes.

But the point is, ethics or not, lame motto or not, at least nothing we have said here has led to any deaths. OK, sure, the "Kill Tom Humpredinck of Butte Fork, Florida, He Gets Home At Seven" piece we did a few months ago resulted in the horrifying death of Englebert Humperdinck through autoerotic butt-forking, but we did issue an apology and eventually a retraction. And an apology for the retraction, which, somehow, was interpreted as a fatwa. And, finally, a formal withdrawal of the fatwa. Even then, rather than accepting our apology, the White House said it was puzzled.

But the point is not whether a popular singer from the sixties is a heretic whose highly offensive and imaginative mis-uses of the Holy Book of the Molemen cry out for a ritual shrimp-forking, no, that's not the point. The point is we have to change our motto. All this fact-checking has created a bottle-neck from the blogging point of view, no matter how many lives it may save.

This will be decided, as always, by elbow-on-hand applause meter:

1. No Whine Before Its Time
2. Made-Up Facts Are Still "Facts"
3. Please Do Not Kill Anybody Because Of What We Write (Except Tom Humpredinck of Butte Fork, Florida)
4. Quality: Not Just A Word ... Anymore
5. Shrimp Forks: America's Most Over-Looked Fork

Restoring the Constitution, i.e., the Bible

2005-04-15T21:58:00.000Z

We here at Andromeda are very concerned about two bills, S.B. 520 and H.R. 1070, each with the title, "Constitution Restoration Act of 2005." Our concern, of course, is that they have been languishing in committee.

These bills provide that no Federal court will have jurisdiction over any matter concerning the acknowledgment by the government, or its officials in their official capacity, of "God as the sovereign source of law, liberty or government."

Once this law restores the Constitution, it will be possible for a judge or governmental official to declare that, since God is the source of law, no law shall be construed in a manner contrary to His will or the Biblical law which literally describes His will. And then the judge can certainly base his rulings, and the government official can base his policies, directly on the ultimate source of the law, liberty and government, i.e., the Bible.

This will be particularly good news for women of virtue, as the women of not-so-much virtue will be stoned on their fathers' doorsteps. Deuteronomy 22:20-21.

And for those who think there is "wiggle room" in the Lord's commandments:

His law applies not just in the distance past, but always. "Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway." Deuteronomy 11:1
Following just some of the commandments ain't good enough. "All the commandments which I command thee this day shall ye observe to do, that ye may live, and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the LORD sware unto your fathers." Deuteronomy 8:1
Interpreting them is not permitted. "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you." Deuteronomy 4:2

And dare ye say the Iraq War was illegal, let ye hear the word of the Lord:

"Ye shall utterly destroy all the places, wherein the nations which ye shall possess served their gods, upon the high mountains, and upon the hills, and under every green tree:

"And ye shall overthrow their altars, and break their pillars, and burn their groves with fire; and ye shall hew down the graven images of their gods, and destroy the names of them out of that place.

"Ye shall not do so unto the LORD your God."

Deuteronomy 12:2-4.

Perhaps one more election and the Congress will be righteous enough to get those bills out of committee at last.

"Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people." Deuteronomy 4:6.

Bankrupt

2005-04-15T04:47:00.000Z

Gone a long time, I guess. Went back to Andromeda, see the 'rents. They live on a dirty street on a dirty planet on the dirty side of the galaxy. In Andromeda, they have no bankruptcy. The people just pay and pay.

The creditors came by while I was there, they needed to re-install the phone.

"We don't want the phone!" wailed my parents. They don't understand anything, because they're so old.

"You have to have the phone!" said the creditors.

It's true what the creditors say. How are they going to call you to get you to pay your bills if you don't have a phone? Silly old parents.

"How will we pay the phone bill?" whined my parents.

"You have to pay it every month. You have to pay your bills!" snorted the creditors. And they are right. Bills must be paid.

"But how?" they cried.

The creditors responded, "You must." That's true, they must, everyone must pay the bills.

The phone rang. The creditors answered it. It was the creditors calling. The creditors agreed to pay in full in ten days. They told my parents, "You must pay in full in ten days."

"But what about our medicine?" wept my stupid old parents. It's always "medicine, medicine!" with them.

"You must pay for that, too," answered the creditors. "In full," they added. "In ten days!" chirps one.

"But we haven't received our medicine!" My parents said this, sobbing into their wrinkled hands.

"You didn't pay the last bill," said the creditors, and they are right, I can see the bill right there, on the wobbly kitchen table.

While I was in Andromeda, I worried terribly about creditors in America. They were only making money hand over fist under the current law, while they tempted and deceived innocent consumers with false promises of low interest rates and high credit limits. But a small percentage of the poorest people were declaring "bankruptcy" due to medical bills, unemployment, etc. These people were not paying their bills!

What a relief to return and find a new law will save the multibillion-dollar, multi-national credit card companies and banks from the small percentage of poor people who were not paying the hidden fees, and surprise interest rates, and secret charges. The new law will make it so many people will not be able to seek bankruptcy at all! They will just pay and pay.

I had a lot bills to pay when I got back. I went to the bank to cash in my stocks and bonds. The bank told me the stocks and bonds I have invested in all my life were worthless, because the companies had paid their executives such high bonuses the companies all went bankrupt. I went back and checked the law to be sure there was no protection at all against bankruptcy abuse by corporations. Hooray! there wasn't!

GRB versus Megatar

2005-02-18T22:11:00.000Z

Have you ever played spin the bottle, except instead of a bottle, it's a gun, and instead of a gun, it's a two-sided gun that can shoot up or down, in any direction? You have? Wow. OK, then, you already know about the kind of danger facing Earth from gamma ray bursts. But, listen to this description of "megatars" (Yes, you have to read it aloud in order to "listen" to it. But read it aloud, in a dramatic voice, with thrilling theme music):

Thought to be a mighty cataclysm in a super-dense, highly magnetized star called a magnetar, it emitted as much energy in two-tenths of a second as the sun gives off in 250,000 years. Its intrinsic power was a thousand times greater than the power of all other stars in the galaxy put together, and ten thousand times brighter than the brightest supernova.

Isn't that just like the opening of "Superman" or something? Not "Gilligan's Island," though. A "megatar" is a gamma ray flare. In this artist's conception, the megatar looks a lot like a "Daddy Longlegs" spider on fire. Are you scared? Well, then, you don't even want to know about gamma ray bursts. But GRBs -- Earth-directed and close enough to endanger life on Earth -- are expected to occur one or two times every billion years (pdf).

So why aren't we terraforming Mars yet? We'll never survive until the Sun becomes a Red Giant, vaporizing Earth, and Andromeda Galaxy crashes into our galaxy, vaporizing Earth, if we don't start colonizing now! If we just shipped fifty percent of our Republicans to Mars, they and their factories, SUVs, and cigars would have that planet warm and toasty in no time. But then they'd outlaw immigration.

Douglas Feith: Promoting Democracy, Respecting Sovereignty, and Kicking Ass

2005-02-18T18:40:00.000Z

For those of you who foolishly believed that imposing governments on occupied peoples was hard to reconcile with respecting democracy, or that invading countries was somewhat contradictory with respecting sovereignty, Douglas Feith has all the answers. Not only can we do all that, we can even cozy up to dictators, prop up autocratic regimes, ignore the crushing of political dissent and turn a blind eye to torture, all the while supporting "moderation, democracy, sound economics and healthy civil society." Oh, wait, how did that bit about "sound economics" get in there? Of course, of course, it turns out "sound economics" is what we really mean by "democracy." And by "sound economics," we mean opening up markets to the American mega-corporations who can teach repressive regimes a thing or two about oppression. And, some day, all the workers of the world will finally unite and say as one, "Would you like fries with that?"